Wednesday, June 20, 2012

what the hell......

you like me, you really like me..... well maybe. it could be pity. so i have been granted 3 blog awards. yes 3, you crazy people. and as reigning miss canada i have duties to fulfill.firstly, i have to do all this technical stuff like explain the awards - i'm going to try and cut and paste that .secondly, i have to bestow these honors onto fellow bloggers. and then as part of one of the awards i get to tell you 7 things about myself. ok, that is going to be the best bit because i have always wanted to be interviewed and that dream is unlikely to happen in the real world. so i'm going to use this opportunity to have a faux interview with let's say jim parry from the miss canada pageant. i'll go find a picture of him for the purpose of the interview. but let's get the business done first.

the awards

the above 2 have the same set of rules – I need to tell you seven things about myself and then nominate seven recipients.
1. Thank the person that nominated you and link back to their blog. Thanks Elosie!
2. Tell everyone seven things about yourself.
3. Nominate seven fellow bloggers and let them know.  i'm nominating the following for both awards  (content warning - think eminem but funny)

The Liebster Blog Award is an award for blogs with under 200 followers. Apparently Liebster is German for “beloved” and a blog nominated for this award is “worth watching”.
There are 5 rules attached to this award:
1. If you are nominated for the award and accept it, then you have won!
2. Link back to the person who presented the award to you.  thanks edith
3. Nominate 5 blogs with less than 200 followers who you feel deserve the award.
4. Let the nominees know by leaving a comment on their blog.
5. Attach the Liebster award badge to your site.

ok on with the interview

hi, i'm jim parry former host of the miss canada pageant and i'll be the man with the questions

JIM: tell us where you hail from bev
ME:  thank you jim, it's nice to meet you too. i come from a tiny fishing village in nova scotia but now reside in alberta

JIM:  are you a fame whore bev
ME:  maybe a bit jim, but after all isn't that what we all want

JIM: what is your favourite book bev
ME:  good question jim. i would have to say  "The Heart is a Lonely Hunter"

JIM:  do you have a dream job bev
ME:  i would like to be  housekeeper for amy sedaris

JIM: what is your greatest fear bev
ME: well, jim i'm fraught with fear but my biggest fear is that i'll end up going to heaven. followed closely by my mother finding this blog.

JIM: what do you do when someone tips your happy bucket over bev
ME:  well jim, first i have a rage and then i read  david sedaris' "Parade" a story about mike tyson and his kitten called "pity ting"

JIM:  in closing do you have any words of wisdom bev
ME: hmmmm yes jim i do - "what does not kill you, will probably hurt like hell"

thanks for all the applause

Friday, June 15, 2012

the saints can't help me now........

mary mother of god, i am so f**ked. spring training is over and mom has come ready to hit some balls. is it too early to start counting day? i love her, i love her, i love her. but as the song says "love hurts"
well i would be hurt if i wasn't so god damn stunned and impressed. that woman's got game.
some topics covered this already this morning.....

childbirth (overheard telling my youngest child., a girl by the way) - when she came out your mother ripped me from stem to stern. and then the doctor said "you have a big girl" a GIRL, i didn't want a girl.

homeschooling (direct hit) - is this what time you get up every morning. could you tell me how my grandchild is supposed to get an education if you're laying a bed half the day.

junkmail and finances (another direct hit) - russell says you throw out the flyers.  (no response needed from me). how do you know what's on sale (again no response necessary). if you ask me that where all this money is going. if you went through the flyers and planned your groceries russell wouldn't have to work so hard

welcome, it's not yet noon on day 1

PS - later today i'm being made to watch jeopardy and wheel of fortune

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

The Greatest Show on Earth.........

on to that in a minute. firstly i'm sure you've all heard the expression "everytime a bell rings, a fairy gets her wings" now that i think about it, maybe its angel not fairy. but  really they are probably interchangeable.
but have you heard this "everytime you masturbate, god kills a kitten". oh, i'm soo sorry i wrote that - well not really sorry. masturbate is of course not a swear word, not even slang dirty. but i don't think i've typed it before and now i've gone and done it twice. but back to the tale, yesterday i was in a  serious meeting - 3 hours it went on and on. and for the entire time i could not concentrate on the matters at hand because i was looking at the person talking and thinking, Sir/Madam every time you masturbate god kills a kitten. torture it was, pure torture. i pictured quite a kitten stack building beside one particular fellow. and that ladies and gentlemen is how i spent my afternoon.

 on with the show, this is it.......

mother is coming to visit and the self-esteem circus is about to commence. the big tents are up, people are taking their seats and its just too tempting not to join the show.the spotlight finds me balancing precariously on the high wire while underneath in the shadows, mom moving my safety net around. it's excitement and danger served with a side of guilt

oh before you start trying to make me feel bad - trust me i've got that part covered nicely. firstly, i fear in just writing this i 'm courting disaster. next, don't go on about how lucky i am to have a mother and all that bla bla bla. for christ's sake, i'm not 10 years old, i know all that. see, look your getting me all worked up and i'm starting to swear. i probably type masturbate again in a minute.

let me just clarify a couple of things. i love my mother. my mother is a saint. she spends thousands of hours doing good works. she is the jerry lewis of her peers. my mother has survived disease, war, the depression and me. She's a tough nut and she likes to call them as she sees them. believe me upon meeting her you will be weighed, you will be measured and more than likely you will be found wanting.
that's just the way it is.. it's quite entertaining when you're not the target.

so pull up a seat, the next 5 weeks are going to be great.