sweet mother of jesus i have to write a blog post. i must stop this madness. i have been sick but really i think i've lost my nerve, i'm intimidated by all the great writers and posts i've been reading lately. i read things i don't understand and wonder why i thought i could ever do this. i am no writer, i'm just a girl asking the world to listen to a story. self doubt is filling the room so right now i must bury my face into the pillow and do it for my resume. (yes, i know that's about sex but ...)
i just wish i were brave.
when i was a little girl my aunt bertha had a metal plaque on her kitchen wall that read "if you can't dazzle them with your brilliance, baffle them with your bullshit." this is one of the first things i remember being able to read and thus it took on near biblical meaning. it became in a way, my golden rule. so with that in mind i will try to tell you a story.......
after being in bed for over a week with the flu, my husband dragged me to outpatients at the hospital. i was so, so sick but not so sick that i couldn't listen to what was going on in the next cubicle. you see, even when i'm in the depths of despair i can not mind my own business. i was placed in the room nearest the nurse's station and thus quickly found myself in the know. as it turned out, the gentleman next to me was constipated or "compacted" as we refer to it in the medical trade. his condition was discussed with great earnestness by the nurses and doctor. so with his, not 1 but 2 rectal exams completed my new friend was ready for the remedy phase of the program. first he was placed on his side, then a fleet enema was performed. we all waited patiently but - no response. some 30 minutes later the the high fleet enema was launched. i would like to add that the junior nurse carrying out this procedure was given the how-to instructions by the older nurse only moments before performing this magic trick. i strongly believe, given a visual on the apparatus i could have managed it - that's how detailed the tutorial was. but again, despite these seemingly heroic actions- no response other than a return of clear fluid .
i began thinking, where is this clear fluid collecting. what have we done next door to prepare for success. What, if anything is on hand to receive the goods. the very word compaction suggests this business could inflate when it hits the fresh air. i don't think a sauce pan is going to do it. and why oh why are they keeping this man on his side. i'm just saying, it's not everybody who can shit lying down - never mind on their side. i know "on my side" is not my optimum position when having to do my business. this gentleman, whoever he is has to be in distress. he has not made a sound since i got there and considering his condition and the number of times he's been interfered with you would expect something - some tiny "ow" or "oh my" trust me, i strained to hear what was or could be happening.
sadly, i had to leave without learning the outcome of my new friend. it seems you can't just stay on to see how something is going to turn out. as the dr. wrote out my prescription i wanted to offer him some advice. i wanted to say "doctor, how about a cup of coffee and some squats for our friend next door or at the very least we should flip him on his back and assist him in doing some mock air biking" the grateful doctor would then say, "thanks patient #18, i never thought of that. here's some medical marijuana to go along with your antibiotics"
don't judge too harshly, i'm creatively compacted.