Saturday, October 20, 2012

pull up a stool......






sweet mother of jesus i have to write a blog post. i must stop this madness. i have been sick but really i think i've lost my nerve, i'm intimidated by all the great writers and posts i've been reading lately. i read things i don't understand and wonder why i thought i could ever do this. i am no writer, i'm just a girl asking the world to listen to a story. self doubt is filling the room so right now i must bury my face into the pillow and do it for my resume. (yes, i know that's about sex but ...)

 i just wish i were brave.

like
when i was a little girl my aunt bertha had a metal plaque on her kitchen wall that read "if you can't dazzle them with your brilliance, baffle them with your bullshit." this is one of the first things i remember being able to read and thus it took on near biblical meaning. it  became in a way, my golden rule.  so with that in mind  i will try to tell you a story.......

recently
after being in bed for over a week with the flu,  my husband dragged me to outpatients at the hospital. i was so, so sick but not so sick that i couldn't listen to what was going on in the next cubicle. you see, even when i'm in the depths of despair i can not mind my own business. i was placed in the room nearest the nurse's station and thus quickly found myself in the know. as it turned out, the gentleman next to me was constipated or "compacted" as we refer to it in the medical trade. his condition was discussed with great earnestness by the nurses and doctor. so with his, not 1 but 2 rectal exams completed my new friend was ready for the remedy phase of the program. first he was placed on his side, then a fleet enema was performed. we all waited patiently but  - no response.  some 30 minutes later the the high fleet enema was launched. i would like to add that the junior nurse carrying out this procedure was given the how-to instructions by the older nurse only moments before performing this magic trick. i strongly believe, given a visual on the apparatus i could have managed it - that's how detailed the tutorial was. but again, despite these seemingly heroic actions- no response other than a return of clear fluid .

 i began thinking, where is this clear fluid collecting. what have we done next door to prepare for success. What, if anything is on hand to receive the goods. the very word compaction suggests this business could inflate when it hits the fresh air. i don't think a sauce pan is going to do it. and why oh why are they keeping this man on his side. i'm just saying, it's not everybody who can shit lying down - never mind on their side. i know "on my side" is not my optimum position when having to do my business.  this gentleman, whoever he is has to be in distress.  he has not made a sound since i got there and considering his condition and the number of times he's been interfered with you would expect something - some tiny "ow" or "oh my"  trust me, i strained to hear what was or could be happening.

sadly, i had to leave without learning the outcome of my new friend.  it seems you can't just stay on to see how something is going to turn out. as the dr. wrote out my prescription i wanted to offer him some advice. i wanted to  say "doctor,  how about a cup of coffee and some squats for our friend next door or at the very least we should flip him on his back and assist him in doing some mock air biking" the grateful doctor would then say, "thanks patient #18, i never thought of that.  here's some medical marijuana to go along with your antibiotics"



ta da
don't judge too harshly, i'm creatively compacted.
bev

49 comments:

  1. I always have a good laugh when I read your posts! Thanks again since I almost peed my pants!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you dear mary. i glad you enjoyed it.

      Delete
  2. No illness could keep my nosiness in check in a hospital. There's too much to know, too much to see. Even the stuff I don't want to know or see, I want to know and see.

    As for being blocked, it happens. But don't let yourself be intimidated by other writers. Your writing is wonderful, unique. As much as you're able, try not to compare.



    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. yes, the hospital is a place of wonder. after about 5 mins i'm sure i can cure everyone.

      thank you so much for your kind words. i am such a leap before you look person that when i stop and study something i quickly get scared

      Delete
  3. First, you're brave. Just look at your first paragraph. It's brave.

    Second, when you write, I get to read things like this: "What, if anything is on hand to receive the goods. the very word compaction suggests this business could inflate when it hits the fresh air."

    Sadly, I'm familiar with fleet and will leave you with this visual:

    Compacted. Around 23 years old. The fleet is not able to navigate my barrier reef. So, I think a handstand against my bedroom wall is a good idea (gravity) ...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. oh sweetness, you're so lovely. thank you. xx

      and thanks a lot for the visual. that image will stay with me awhile.

      Delete
  4. We all suffer with creative blockages that lead to self-worth meltdowns. Each time is an opportunity to deal with the shit that floats to the top, in a creative way. It's cathartic when aggressively expelled. Otherwise allowed to retreat internally it becomes a bigger and and more solid blockage.
    That said: You are a brilliant wordsmith! I look forward to your amazing posts, and I am NOT a blog reader. I'm a blog skimmer.
    Rock on with your bad self!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. candace, are you suggesting a creative fleet. that's funny. thank you for your support. it means a lot.

      Delete
  5. Lol but now I too am curious for how it turned out or came out lol have a great Sunday hope your feeling better

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A Rod, cool name. thanks for stopping by and saying nice things. i'm sure everything came out - in the end.

      Delete
  6. Don't be intimidated! For what it's worth, I look forward to your posts. As always, it was worth the wait, but I would love to see more of your posts and more often! I also hope you're feeling better!!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. dear amy, you are very sweet. i like you.

      everybody is being so sweet, i'm getting flushed

      Delete
  7. Ok when I read "pull up a stool" I didn't think of that type of "stool"...........lol thinking about it now I wouldn't want to pull it up either that is just gross and also no bloody way could I shit while laying on my side.......

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hi jo-anne, sorry if i grossed you out. but really who can (on purpose) shit on their side. if i could have stayed longer i would have given the medical staff my opinion.

      Delete
  8. Woman, you are a writing force to be wreckoned with, whether you want to belive it or not!
    I had to burry my face in my arm to keep from waking the house! (Sometime I'll tell you the story about the girl who was full of shit, the Jamacian nurse, and the LONG handled spoon...)
    I'm glad you're feeling better...and I'm thinking a phone call will be in order!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you sweetie, sometimes i am a ball of self-doubt. this blog has become important to me in a way i didn't think possible. i have connected with so many great people (like yourself) and it can be daunting. i'm around most of this week, i'll FB you. xxx

      Delete
  9. I agree with Chris! I think you're brave and wonderful! You must keep writing! I LOVE your blog! I laughed like a maniac when I read this at work today! I once had a friend who was compacted but was too embarrassed to go to the doctor about it. So he ate 14 fiber bars. I'll spare you the details. Glad you're feeling better and back! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you baby, you are a very sweet girl.

      my mother says bowel movements and potatoes are the same, you must have at least one small one everyday.

      Delete
  10. You are fantastic writer!!I just laughed out loud.
    Helene in Between

    ReplyDelete
  11. hehehe... this cracked me up! Thanks for the follow. I am following you now too. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ashley, i like your laugh. thanks for following and commenting

      Delete
  12. Hi Bev! I got your message--we are already following each other---I signed up on your GFC quite some time ago--you should be able to find my face on there---I think it was 2 months ago.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. well jesus, that's embarrassing. blogger kept telling me we weren't following each other. i though we had come undone. xx

      Delete
  13. You're wrong you're a great writer! This is the funniest thing I've read all day, although I do I feel sorry for that poor guy! BTw I followed back :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. katrice, you have a very pretty name. thank you for your kind words and for following

      Delete
  14. Hi Bev! You have a great natural way of telling a story. So funny! Thanks so much for stopping by my blog and followng.I'm happy to follow you back.
    Tuula :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. god tuula, you have an even greater name and you're a rebel - my kind of girl. thanks for the comment and follow

      Delete
  15. Love this story, I'm following you back now too!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hi katherine, you have a very pretty family. thank you for the follow and nice comment

      Delete
  16. OMG you are amazing and I officially love your blog. I am not a true blue follower. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. omg, i love you. you're very kind and how can i not love that. thanks for the comment and follow

      Delete
  17. Replies
    1. thank you collar city brownstone. you have a very pretty blog.

      Delete
  18. Dear Bev, I laughed out loud at your last line. Now that you give me the term, I'm going to use it again and again--"I"m creatively compacted!!!!!"
    I so wish you could have stayed close to the "compacted" man and could have told us the outcome (that's a pun!) of his condition! Peace.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. dear dee, thank you. i always look forward to your comments. yes, its terrible for someone so full of so much shit to be forced to live with it. me and the man. xx

      Delete
  19. Hi Bev - New follower! Hope you're feeling better. Feel free to stop by sometime and follow back if you like my blog!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hi new follower sarah. thanks for following and commenting. i returned the favour. you have a lovely family.

      Delete
  20. Reading some of your work might have helped loosen things up for that poor fellow. At the very least, your levity would have lightened the situation. A new profession for you, Bev...Live Commentator during embarrassing medical procedures.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. oh my sweet sus. i miss you. that would be great job, i love me some disturbing situations. i could say things like "there's no way that thing is going to fit up the end of your willie" xx

      Delete
  21. I really love your blog, I think your writing is great!!!

    Thank you for stopping by my blog, I am your newest follower

    XOXO Tiffany
    My Makeup Boxes

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you tiffany, that's a very nice thing to say. thanks for the follow xoxo

      Delete
  22. Follow back from the GFC blog hop. Thanks for the follow and I love your blog, the pic for this post had me giggling :)

    ~Cassie~
    www.southeastbymidwest.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thanks cassie. you're very sweet. thanks for the comment and follow

      Delete
  23. Awe, Bev...I know, it's so hard not to tell them how to handle everything when we so clearly have all the answers! LOL
    I enjoyed your little story...and am a new follower through GFC
    TracyAnn from http://asktracyann.crochethappy.com/

    ReplyDelete
  24. Newest follower here! I found you through the Tuesday blog hop! Cute blog, I can’t wait to read more!
    -meandmr.com

    ReplyDelete
  25. haha love your style of writing! your blog is so cute and we are your newest followers! come follow along at chaseandem.blogspot.com if you'd like! Xo

    ReplyDelete
  26. Wow, for someone "compacted", you are seriously creative!

    ReplyDelete
  27. Timeless European-inspired architecture marry
    contempo design and amenities offers its resident a
    truly alluring abode to call home.the interlace condo

    ReplyDelete