Tuesday, November 13, 2012

practical magic......




yes, yes. that is a genie - we'll get to him in second.  things have been moving right along here on the bald-ass prairie. i, as it turns out, have a fairly interesting life. well interesting, relative to the amount of population - not hollywood interesting but clean, rural living interesting. we celebrated halloween in fine style - over and over again. jesus, who knew. my lovely friend, that throws all the parties loves halloween. so we had a witch's luncheon, a pumpkin carving potluck and a barn dance. can you bear it?  i felt like a debutante coming out for the season.  it was lovely fun. i got to visit and laugh and laugh - which after eating is my next favorite thing to do.

a psychic was hired for the witch's lunch. we had a palmistry class and private individual readings. i am behooved to report that she and i did not get on. now, i know that all of you people are good, honest folks - i on the other hand, a wee bit dodgy. so the encounter  was liken to two people who are full of shit meeting each other and instantly recognizing that they are each somewhat like the other. when i met the psychic (whose name rhymes with pretoria) i thought to myself, hey lady i know you - in a metaphysical kind of way. and she in turn practically flinched upon our introduction. i thought "yes sweetie that's right, it's me". given the right circumstances,  i'm sure "rhymes with pretoria" and i could have become the best of friends. but not that day. she was there to put on a show and i wasn't going to be a part of it.

pretoria, let's just call her that, started with the palmistry class. i was already aware that my palms are perhaps the most nondescript palms on the planet. the lines on my hands are faded and light. just like  in real life, my palms represent my inability to focus and find direction. i think they (my hands) are embarrassed by their lack of prediction and helplessly throw themselves in the air, saying "don't look at us, we're just along for the ride". anyway, pretoria confirmed this finding. dismissing me and my trackless palms and moved on to those with greener pastures. the private reading also foundered. pretoria was a practical girl, with no mention of angels or spirits named eddie. she focused instead on possible vacations to hawaii in march (not so much), the birth of my son (strike two), but to be fair, i sometimes answered no when i should have said yes. i thought, "she's a psychic, she'll figure it out" she did somehow know that my mother had hurt her thumb. i thought "bravo my dear, you perhaps do possess some magic." of course i can't tell my mother about this wondrous parlor trick. she will only say "well i guess its a funny damn thing you can afford to hire a fortune teller when you can't afford a plane ticket to visit me."

ok, sorry that went on for awhile. i just have so much to tell you and i'm not going to get it all in today. i will though give you an update on my boobs. just in case you're new or have forgotten....  i,  in my late 40's have developed the ability to grow my own leavening agent. yes, who knew you could get a yeast infection in the dark recesses under an ample bosom. well it cleared up nicely but would only stay that way if i went braless. this was ok for home but a girl has to go out sometimes. my lovely friend invited me on a trip to the city for shopping and a horse show. i was forced to don my whalebone contraption that dug into my delicate newly, yeast-free flesh.  while shopping with my friend i spotted the "as seen on tv" genie bra which boasts complete comfort and respectable support. my friend pointed out that she was indeed, at this moment, wearing the genie and recommended it highly. "why your breasts look lovely", i said and right then and there purchased one.

fast forward to the bookstore where my friend said "change your bra in the bathroom. just step into your genie bra and pull it up."

me: pull it up over my ass
friend: yes, trust me
me: jesus i'm going to require the big stall

i was thinking right about then what a revelation this is. step into your bra and pull it up. my friend is a god damn genius. i would not have thought of this on my own. i'm sorry to say that my ancestors could never have evolved to this level of personal husbandry.

i finally got into my new apparel. i practically had to get stippy-stark naked to achieve this  and i'm just saying if there was a security camera in that stall and if that footage should show up on utube... i'm sorry but what with my lack of flexibility and the automatic flushing toilet. well you know and so...

friend: comfortable isn't it
me: yes, but why are these chicken fillets things on the top.
friend: show me
me: ok
(peep show)
friend: for f**k's sake those are the support pads, they go underneath
me: oh yes, that makes sense. how do i get them there
friend: reach in and grab them then wiggle them down under
(much grabbing, tugging ensues)
me: (looking down) god damn, they look good from this angle. how's the side view.
friend: your breasts are enormous, i think the genie is doing all she can.
me: what else can we expect.

fast forward to horse show. please keep in mind i'm not participating in the show nor am i an overly enthusiastic observer. just normal people clapping.

me: jesus, look those pads are back on top. they have migrated up and around.
friend: do you have the bra on right
me: i'm pretty sure there were only so many ways i could have gone wrong.
friend. they don't look bad up there
me: yes they are like little landing pads for my popcorn and the keep my monkey food free.

this is a true report of the magic in my life
bev


42 comments:

  1. OMG~I'm laughing myself silly and thinking how I miss my friends! So, do you recommend the geni bra? Seriously..I hate bras and don't wear one unless leaving the house. I've thought about the genie bra do you like it?

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    Replies
    1. thank you tracy. yes, i like the genie bra, its comfortable and easy to pull on :) - however if you have large boozies like myself, the genie does little to hold you up or in.

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  2. Hilarious, I would have been thinking the same thing. Pull a bra up over my booty...probably not!

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    1. thank you emma. you would be impressed by the seemingly magical way the genie stretched over my ass.

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  3. I'm really skeptical of palm readers/psychics. Mostly because I'm crazy indecisive. I don't think it works for people like me. Glad you enjoyed the Halloween season - I did love your ghost post so much.

    I'm also glad for the boob update, Bev! Have you heard of/considered the Ah! Bra! (That's its real name.) It may be worth a shot. It looks like the Pajama Jeans of bras. (I clearly watch too many infomercials.) Carter won't let me buy one. Apparently newlyweds aren't supposed to be comfortable.

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    1. thank you my baby kate. ok my friend said the "ah" bra has no support and therefore people would stare at you and say "ah, look at her boobs bounce"

      this is my first "as seen on tv" purchase, i'm thinking of going for the "no no" next.

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  4. Holy crap! Every time I read you post I'm laughing so hard I'm crying and trying not to pee myself. I might have to look into that genie bra!

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    1. dear mary, thank you so much. i think we should be a whole army of genie bra wearers.

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  5. So Rhymes-with-pretoria didn't mention anything about genies or chicken fillets? Charlatan.

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    Replies
    1. yes, apparently pretoria didn't see that coming. thanks for visiting, commenting and following.

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  6. Love your posts!! Thanks for visiting me at a A Geek In Glasses!!! Following you back! Have a great week!

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    1. thank you stephanie. i'm glad that you visited and followed.

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  7. This is great! Happy to be following!

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    1. thank you beth. i appreciate the follow

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  8. Haha! I love it. I picked up one of those genie bras then put it back. Maybe thats a good thing. Have a good week!

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    1. laura, you should pick one up and put it on - you'll never go back

      thanks for visiting, commenting and following

      Delete
  9. See, this is why I love you! Thanks for the chuckle! I'm going to try that Genie bra. The ah bra is just a sport bra. Who knew!

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    1. why i love you too, candace. thank you so much and you should join the genie revolution. xx

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  10. Bwahaha! Love this! Thanks for following! Definitely following you back now!

    ♥ Duckie.

    P.S. I'm having a giveaway: http://frikkenduckie.blogspot.com/2012/11/makeup-mondays-currently-coveting-shell.html

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    Replies
    1. thank you jessica. i'm happy you visited and followed.

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  11. I needed a good laugh this morning, hell I need a good laugh every morning it feels good to laugh so thank you for making me laugh........

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    1. dear jo-anne. i glad i made you laugh. thank you for being so kind.

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  12. I love you and you are my hero. That's all. Just had to tell you that, because you just might be the funniest woman I know!

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    1. well i love you and you are my hero. and you missy, might be the funniest person i know. take that.xx

      and thank you

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  13. Always good to know what your boobs are up to, Bev. I feel I'm becoming intimate with them and would, thusly, recognize them if ever we meet, face to face. Thanks for the laugh! Much needed on these dark fall evenings.

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    1. i feel that's why i'm on the planet - to keep folks abreast of my breasts. when i pick you up at the airport i will wear my genie bra on the outside of my t-shirt, you'll be sure to spot me.

      thank you and don't think of it as dark, think of it as sexy mood lighting. xx

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  14. First I want to say Merry Meet, I loved the post, Halloween or (Samhain) is my favorite celebration for sure, sounds like you and your twins have had quite the adventure for sure. I am following you also on GFC now.

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    1. hello scott. nice to have a man stop by. thank you for calling them "the twins" you make them sound young. and thanks for following and commenting.

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  15. ..."in my late 40's"... sorry, had to say it. Also, I'm looking for the Genie Bra side ad and don't see it. I'll send them a note = $.
    I have deep, dark palm lines and I'm living a frivolous, unhelpful life - please analyse. :)

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    1. i have never looked at your palms. hmmm you should come out so i can have a boo. i'm practically a professional now.

      and i am so nearly, almost in my late 40's.

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  16. Dear Bev, I've always had a suspicion that strange things happen to people who have a quirky sense of humor. Why? Because they can make the whole thing so funny for those to whom they tell the story.

    That's your gift to us: you make us laugh with you. Thank you. Peace.

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    1. dear dee - thank you. i think i always wait for something to be funny and it usually is. i am full of foolishness, according to my mother

      thank you for the lovely comment

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  17. now following you! :) http://ktandcamsmith.blogspot.com/

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  18. Just popped over on the blog hop and am glad I did! I will be sure to check in often to see what's going on in your world! A great laugh was had indeed! Thanks for stopping by my blog, I am now following you too!

    jaksgirl@wisheswontwashdishes.blogspot.ca

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    1. thank you jadsgirl - that can't be your name. i'll have to visit your blog and find out. if it turns out to be your actual name you're the first jaksgirl i've ever had visit.

      thanks for visiting and following

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  19. Bra Genie, here I come! I am at that stage of middle age where I'm aware of my bra not doing its duty while talking to students half my age. It's distracting.

    Love your description of the bathroom stall!

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    1. thank you dear amy. but alas the genie bra only works on the small breasted girl. i just get to say a have a bra on but the support is sporadic at best

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