yes, yes. that is a genie - we'll get to him in second. things have been moving right along here on the bald-ass prairie. i, as it turns out, have a fairly interesting life. well interesting, relative to the amount of population - not hollywood interesting but clean, rural living interesting. we celebrated halloween in fine style - over and over again. jesus, who knew. my lovely friend, that throws all the parties loves halloween. so we had a witch's luncheon, a pumpkin carving potluck and a barn dance. can you bear it? i felt like a debutante coming out for the season. it was lovely fun. i got to visit and laugh and laugh - which after eating is my next favorite thing to do.
a psychic was hired for the witch's lunch. we had a palmistry class and private individual readings. i am behooved to report that she and i did not get on. now, i know that all of you people are good, honest folks - i on the other hand, a wee bit dodgy. so the encounter was liken to two people who are full of shit meeting each other and instantly recognizing that they are each somewhat like the other. when i met the psychic (whose name rhymes with pretoria) i thought to myself, hey lady i know you - in a metaphysical kind of way. and she in turn practically flinched upon our introduction. i thought "yes sweetie that's right, it's me". given the right circumstances, i'm sure "rhymes with pretoria" and i could have become the best of friends. but not that day. she was there to put on a show and i wasn't going to be a part of it.
pretoria, let's just call her that, started with the palmistry class. i was already aware that my palms are perhaps the most nondescript palms on the planet. the lines on my hands are faded and light. just like in real life, my palms represent my inability to focus and find direction. i think they (my hands) are embarrassed by their lack of prediction and helplessly throw themselves in the air, saying "don't look at us, we're just along for the ride". anyway, pretoria confirmed this finding. dismissing me and my trackless palms and moved on to those with greener pastures. the private reading also foundered. pretoria was a practical girl, with no mention of angels or spirits named eddie. she focused instead on possible vacations to hawaii in march (not so much), the birth of my son (strike two), but to be fair, i sometimes answered no when i should have said yes. i thought, "she's a psychic, she'll figure it out" she did somehow know that my mother had hurt her thumb. i thought "bravo my dear, you perhaps do possess some magic." of course i can't tell my mother about this wondrous parlor trick. she will only say "well i guess its a funny damn thing you can afford to hire a fortune teller when you can't afford a plane ticket to visit me."
ok, sorry that went on for awhile. i just have so much to tell you and i'm not going to get it all in today. i will though give you an update on my boobs. just in case you're new or have forgotten.... i, in my late 40's have developed the ability to grow my own leavening agent. yes, who knew you could get a yeast infection in the dark recesses under an ample bosom. well it cleared up nicely but would only stay that way if i went braless. this was ok for home but a girl has to go out sometimes. my lovely friend invited me on a trip to the city for shopping and a horse show. i was forced to don my whalebone contraption that dug into my delicate newly, yeast-free flesh. while shopping with my friend i spotted the "as seen on tv" genie bra which boasts complete comfort and respectable support. my friend pointed out that she was indeed, at this moment, wearing the genie and recommended it highly. "why your breasts look lovely", i said and right then and there purchased one.
fast forward to the bookstore where my friend said "change your bra in the bathroom. just step into your genie bra and pull it up."
me: pull it up over my ass
friend: yes, trust me
me: jesus i'm going to require the big stall
i was thinking right about then what a revelation this is. step into your bra and pull it up. my friend is a god damn genius. i would not have thought of this on my own. i'm sorry to say that my ancestors could never have evolved to this level of personal husbandry.
i finally got into my new apparel. i practically had to get stippy-stark naked to achieve this and i'm just saying if there was a security camera in that stall and if that footage should show up on utube... i'm sorry but what with my lack of flexibility and the automatic flushing toilet. well you know and so...
friend: comfortable isn't it
me: yes, but why are these chicken fillets things on the top.
friend: show me
friend: for f**k's sake those are the support pads, they go underneath
me: oh yes, that makes sense. how do i get them there
friend: reach in and grab them then wiggle them down under
(much grabbing, tugging ensues)
me: (looking down) god damn, they look good from this angle. how's the side view.
friend: your breasts are enormous, i think the genie is doing all she can.
me: what else can we expect.
fast forward to horse show. please keep in mind i'm not participating in the show nor am i an overly enthusiastic observer. just normal people clapping.
me: jesus, look those pads are back on top. they have migrated up and around.
friend: do you have the bra on right
me: i'm pretty sure there were only so many ways i could have gone wrong.
friend. they don't look bad up there
me: yes they are like little landing pads for my popcorn and the keep my monkey food free.
this is a true report of the magic in my life