Saturday, November 27, 2010

warm, washed and waiting........


this was going to be a serious post - filled with store business and near truths about heart wrenching personal issues. but really can we all wait that long. do you see how long it has been. despite a good try i can't seem to get the foolishness out. perhaps it would be more prudent to start with a serious paragraph or at the very least - the simpler sincere sentence.

i'm here.

now, concerning the title. here i was driving down the rood and suddenly there it was plastered on a billboard. it was near midnight and for god's sake we were on a highway named in honor of our monarch. i thought holy mother "there's hookers at the airport" what else could it mean. i was informed by someone in the car that it was indeed an ad for a park and ride service. it was also pointed out that no one thinks of these dirty things but me. i don't know about you but when i see an add for warm, washed and waiting i immediately see a room full of buxom whores lounging on plush velvet furniture. what else is there. but after some careful thought i said to myself - self, we could make this work for advertising the shop. not in the whore sense but in a more genial way. picture this - me in the doorway of the shop - warm, washed and waiting for my beloved customers. honestly its better than the alternative - me cold, soiled and indifferent. see, it is quite catchy. should i include it on my business cards? let me know.

now, on with the show


i'm guessing you would like a bit of an explanation. well brace yourself effie. first the nots - i have not been in jail and or rehab - i have not been on a journey of personal discovery - i am not knocked up. ok, i'm going to tell you and it's not pretty. i had my period for about 2 months and yes i mean everyday. wait - my pride just got up and shuffled off. yes, it has come to that - talking about the inner workings of my front passage. this kind of dialogue is enough to make even the baby jesus cry. but we must solider on. i'm feeling better now all thanks to the barr laboratories in new york. they make a little thing called THE PILL. portable hormones in a convenient bubble pack. these people at the barr laboratories really know what they're doing - its practically on par with parting the red sea. sorry, no unpleasant visual intended. i would however like to take this time to thank the families of all the rats that lost their lives during the testing phase of this medication. your sacrifice does not go unheralded. i for one intend to work the hell out of this PILL thing. now that i'm just another regular girl i can't decide whether to begin the adulteress phase of my marriage but alas i fear i have left it a bit too long. my potential partner pool is rather shallow. i'm down to the aged, the infirmed and those strange little fellows who want me to dress like their mothers. maybe i'll keep my knees together. of course underneath i will be relishing the possibilities and the opportunities available to a girl whose packing hormonal heat.

the ever warm, washed and waiting
bev

ps thanks for the comments and emails. it is quite groovy to be missed

3 comments:

  1. This should be part of a "Chicken Soup for the Hormonal Soul" book. Thanks for letting me know I am not alone.

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  2. Hey there. I know it's less than a month from your last story but tell me the one about the boy in the bait shed...sounds like a good title..

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  3. ...'kay, just been threatened with a lawsuit...I REALLY REALLY need a story to distract me....

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