the maternal fault finding mission......

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have i mentioned to you that my mom hand washes her underwear and then dries them on my furnace vents. no, i have probably not mentioned that. why i wonder. well, then none of you would want to be my friend. but it's quite a sight to see. huge - old lady panties, billowing like sails, anchored firmly in place by sturdy knick knacks. it looks like a god damn yacht club.

i tell you this, not to bring attention to my plight but rather to point out my patience and overall goodness. when i look around and see all those unfurled underpinnings, i don't get angry. i instead think "jesus, is someone recording this"

                     

that's how it is with my mother. you can't get mad at her. firstly she's so damn old. secondly, my entertainment bar is set so low that when mom is here i am in a state of constant amusement. i grant you constant amusement is like being on the spinning tea cups at a county fair. fun the first 8 times


i tell you i'm exhausted.

my mother has several basic rules of engagement. she is like a game of battleship.



forward operations (the gauntlet toss)

this is designed to assess the target. the tip of the spear if you will. this was the opening volley at the airport. i had spent $35 to park close to the arrival gate exit.
it is important to remain neutral in the exchange. i feel my nerve endings throughout my body yelling "hold the line". you must remember there is no right answer and you must not engage.

mom: i like to know where this car is parked

me: it's right over here mom, in special parking

mom: well if i had known it was this far i would have gotten a wheelchair.

me: it's right in front of you mom

mom: this is what i'm saying about these big airports, they have free parking close to the door for seniors..



ground offensive (the commentary)

this is the shock and awe part. there are no words to describe it. it’s just mind-numbing verbal banter. no viewers were injured in the following enactment.

mom: do you actually read the back of the movie box or do you just go by the picture on the front.

me: this movie is supposed to be good

mom: could you tell me why no one is doing anything. doesn't one of these people have a gun.

me: they're on a plane mom. no guns

mom: do you mean to say there's not a first aid kit somewhere. this is what i'm saying, there should be a first aid kit on the plane.

me: the plane has crashed mom. it's on fire.

mom: am i supposed to believe that's a wolf. i have never seen a wolf that big

me: that's a wolf, mom

mom: well are they just going give up, where are the guns from the plane ............................................................................and on and on



friendly fire and collateral damage

these are the unexpected gems that usually happen at public places or neighbors BBQ's. the target is not you but nonetheless you're part of the action. it's best to try to contain the incident and minimize the carnage. the following training exercise took place in a walmart check-out line

mom: that man's an albino. look over there

me: there are no albinos here

mom: i guess he is an albino; look at his hair.

me: shhhh

(man turns around and is not an albino, but angry)

me: i'm sorry, sir

mom: what are you saying sorry for. i never said he was an albino, i said he looked like one.



we're 2 weeks in. resistance is futile. 21 days to go.

best one liner so far
mom: you eat more than any woman i know
me: thank you

bev
ps bless you all for following and commenting