Friday, August 24, 2012

shambolic mind wrestling...........





i worried about using the actual name of the restaurant "swiss chalet" in this post. well, i actually worried about it for a very short time. i don't have the capacity for long thought. i imagined instead, i would say "belgium bungalow" or "austrian a-frame", but in the end - what the hell. i'll risk a law suit. they can cross-examine mom in court. i'll willing to go broke to see that.

with that out of the way.....

people in my family do not openly fight with one another. we do not shout, scream or slam doors..  we find it distasteful to show emotion.  we instead pick away at each other, a lot like a vulture fight club. we posture and challenge and are awarded points on presentation

so

one hot and dusty, alberta afternoon when mom was visiting she and i were driving to town to pick up tractor parts. my mother had taken to sitting in the car when we went anywhere . she blamed sitting in the car on the airline and their one suitcase restriction. everywhere we went she would say. "i'm not going in, there's nothing in there that i need. even if i saw something i liked i can't buy it because i'm only allowed one suitcase and my suitcase is already full." if i could give you a kitten for everything i heard that....... well, you'd have a shit load of kittens.

and so it began. "the how to show displeasure with a loved one without letting on you're displeased thing"  we like to do.....

out of nowhere

mom: you know you don't dare leave your coffee on the table when you go the bathroom at swiss chalet.
me: why not
mom: because these men come along and put something into it.
me: really, like what
mom: they stir drugs in it and when you come back and drink it, it knocks you out
me: honestly! people are drugging coffee at the swiss chalet? where is this happening?
mom: in the cities. all over the place. these guys drug you and then throw you over their shoulder and cart you off
me: i fairly certain someone would notice if a fairly stout elderly women like yourself  were being carted away. what's the whole purpose of this carting off?
mom: well they interfere with you, of course.
me: old ladies in the city are being carted off from the swiss chalet and being interfered with?
mom: that's what i heard
me: i find that quite hard to believe. and by the way, where are your dinner companions in this scenario.
mom: in the bathroom

uncomfortable silence.....

and again out of nowhere......

mom: i'm not going in with you.
me: mom it's 100 degrees out, come inside. it may take awhile.
mom: there's nothing in there that i need and take the keys out
me: why?
mom: someone could take the car.
me: you're in it
mom: that's what i'm saying, people come along and take these cars with people in them.
me: who in the hell are you hanging out with or what are you reading. again, where is this crime den?
mom: in the city, in parking lots outside of restaurants and stores
me: well, i hope it's not swiss chalet, they can't take any more bad press
mom: you don't read the newspaper, it happens a lot
me: this town has less than 4000 people plus we are at a  tractor dealership. that does not scream car-jacking..
mom: that's the thing. you don't know where it will happen.
me: mother you are not going to be abducted in front of john deere.
mom: i'm not going in. i don't need anything in there
me: fine, but i'm leaving the keys in
mom: how long are you going to be, it's hot in this car.

this talking about nothing but talking about everything is how we get on. it is not, i've discovered how normal families do things. they say things like "you look lovely in that colour" or "you're an asshole" but they are usually said at separate times. mom and i like to combine the arts of entertaining and arguing. we like a big show.

bev

63 comments:

  1. She does worry a lot doesn't she? :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hi claudia
      it's not worry - she's trying to scare me

      Delete
  2. Oh, too funny!!! And, in my family, that is exactly how we interact.......so it is normal....right............right???
    Connie from Sadieloohoo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you connie. that's right we are completely normal. ha

      Delete
  3. Darling...my dear...you need to submit this stuff to a Network. I swear it would make one hell of a funny sitcom! I feel so guilty laughing when it's your life, but I would not feel a bit of remorse laughing until I wet myself if it were on TV. Now, who would play you and who would play your Mom? Hmmm....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you miss dean. you are so sweet.
      hmmm... tv.....i would be rupaul and mom would be nancy grace.

      Delete
  4. Omg, mothers can really come up with the craziest shit, right? I'm with Chris - this is hilarious (though I'm sorry you have to go through it)! I want to see the sitcom. So funny, I almost peed. Better go to the bathroom. And you better believe I'm bringing my coffee.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. don't be sorry for me mod mom, i am a equal share partner in this little dysfuncional relationship with my mom.

      yes, for god's sakes take your coffee with you. thanks for the kind words

      Delete
  5. Loved this post. I'm not a mother yet, but I'm pretty quirky and neurotic now. I can only imagine what my kids will be blogging about me someday. "Mom is convinced that there is a government plot to turn all of the democrats into zombies who will then interfere with all the republicans, thereby justifying their export to Siberia and so she's scraping off her Obama bumper sticker because she doesn't much care for sweetbreads and therefore thinks she wont much care for brains either." (Because we will totally have teamed up with the Russians by then.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Awlll Kate, this is some funny stuff too.

      Delete
    2. ah baby kate..... you so funny
      how are things since the honeymoon. i really want to say something quite dirty now but i'm not going to do it.

      you have a lovely,funny blog and i like you.

      Delete
  6. I can't decide if it would be fun or frustrating to ride in the car with you two... it would at least be entertaining!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. frustrating can be fun. you just pretend you're anderson cooper or someone and you're are conducting an in-depth inteview with a foreign diplomat.

      thanks for visiting and commenting

      Delete
  7. Bev, Thanks for following my blog... I am so excited to read yours.... You have some great stuff and excited to read more and more...
    Marianne

    www.bondedwithlove.blogspot.com
    www.bondedwithlove.etsy.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. marianne, thank you for visiting me, following my blog and commenting.
      bev

      Delete
  8. Replies
    1. ah ha ha!! take her, she's yours
      thanks millie

      Delete
  9. Always a treat!!! Your mom is the best. You do a marvelous job of making her so enjoyable for your blog readers, though frankly Bev, I can't believe you don't know all this stuff! Peel me off the floor hilarious.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. oh rhonda, you sweet girl. i know when i spend a lot of time with mom i'm always thinking ..."wait for it" because i never know what she's going to say.

      thank you xx

      Delete
  10. Love this blog post! You are a very talented writer!! I am your newest follower on your GFC. Thanks for sharing!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you very much for your kind words and for following and commenting.
      i am also a menopausal mama but in your little picture you look much younger and frankly sexier than me. but that's ok we can be friends.

      Delete
  11. Interfered with...is that what you call it? Well, I guess your mother does. Maybe you could fill her in on some synonyms. Please, alert me if you do!

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    Replies
    1. hello miss june.

      ok so when other people "do it" my mother calls it "interferes with" but when she talks about doing it she calls it "sexual intercourse" with the stress on the intercourse. she always pauses after sexual for the full dramatic effect.
      she will often say "after all beverly, i did have sexual intercourse with your father. that's how you got here."

      i tell you, she's a pistol

      Delete
  12. Hi Bev,
    Thanks for the follow. You have a great blog! Great stuff in it! Your mom sounds a bit like mine. Looking forward to reading your posts....
    Happy blogging!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you nell for following and commenting.
      happy blogging to you too

      Delete
  13. "Interfered with" ... I'm going to make a list of Bevisms and Bev's Momisms. I love coming over here. Always gives me a much-needed laugh. In my family, we call each other assholes, but smile while we're doing it... the mixed-message works well to keep everyone slightly off kilter and hypervigalent.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. oh sweet pea. i'm glad you like me because i like you.

      this thing mom and i do is like a bizaree monty python skit. i have to appear completely detached. if i betray any emotion she busts me and i lose. it's emotion chicken.
      don't get me wrong, i love it.
      xxx
      ps see 2 above comment for definition of sexual intercourse.

      Delete
  14. Hi,
    Following you back from tiffani goff at home, and you are hilarious!!! love the blog....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you very much tiffani goff. it was very nice of you to visit and follow.

      Delete
  15. Following back from It's Your Life, thanks for the visit and follow. It's funny how all families are different, I found this post very entertaining, I could hear the voices, thanks for sharing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you joyce for visiting and following.

      Delete
  16. I wasn't going to read this as I opened it up yesterday and only now finging the engery to read it and I am so glad I did I love the converations with your mum..................

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    Replies
    1. dear jo-anne, i was so sorry to hear that you were not feeling well. i'm glad you liked the post.

      take care and thank you

      Delete
  17. Well, I enjoyed the big show! I can not help but read you posts. They are like literary crack to me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. gosh candace, thank you. i think that would make me a drug dealer - i can do that, drugs are not unknown to me.

      thanks again

      Delete
  18. Dear Bev, that mother of yours is one for the books. She could have been a stand-up comic but I wonder if she'd know just how funny she was being. Perhaps she takes all she says seriously. But oh, the two of you together are an Abbott and a Costello pair. Peace.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. dear dee, i dare you to tell my mom she's being funny. well, tell her but then run like hell. i like the parlay with mom - it keeps me on my toes.
      peace to you

      Delete
  19. You must admit, that Mom of yours sure gives you something to write about. I bet she brought plenty of underwear in her suitcase. After all, you never know when you'll be in an accident...
    Followed you back!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hi karen. i'm glad i found out your name because calling you baking in a tornado all the time could become tiresome.

      thank you for visiting, commenting, and following. congrats on your award

      Delete
  20. Hi Bev! You are quite a writer! Thank you for stopping by earlier. I hope you have a great week! I am following you!

    ~Heather

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you heather - firstly saying nice things about me and for visitng, following and commenting

      Delete
  21. that's a great "fight" love it...had me snorting, eerily similar to my family. Following you back and if you have twitter and facebook, I;ll follow that too babe.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you karen for visiting and following

      Delete
  22. I love it! The banter is hilarious! I think you're writing is awesome, you're talented my friend :-)

    Thank you for visiting me, I'm following you now too!

    Stacey
    www.justsayitoldyouso.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thanks stacey, you're quite talented yourself

      Delete
  23. So this is great writing - you've captured it perfectly.

    You have a new follower!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you illiterate infant. by the way, i feel quite bad for calling you that

      Delete
  24. I doubt there is any family truly normal, and if one is saying it is there is somethink amuck. I hail from Latin roots, which means we're all about the drama and living inside each other's pockets. I sometimes dream of being an orphan and not knowing what the others are thinking.. Loved the banter of yours tho.. we should compare notes.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hi brenda, bring your notes over anytime and will compare away. thanks for commenting

      Delete
  25. I found your blog quite by accident....and almost choked laughing!
    That conversation sounds just like my Grandmother, I'd never heard of "being interfered with" for a long time until I read it here.
    Yes, and there is always THE pause between "sexual" and "intercourse" too...said in a quiet voice, just incase someone over hears what you are talking about and might put "something" in your coffee!

    Following for the laughs!

    http://ladyofmuse.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hello megan. thank you for finding me and commenting and following. you must have relatives in the maritimes if you are aware of the "interfere" word. i'm going to check out your blog.

      Delete
  26. Hahaahaha! I love it! Totally remind me of someone..
    I'm following you back. Thank you for stopping by my blog!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. dear army wife, i am a farm wife. thanks for visiting, commenting and following.

      Delete
  27. After a really rough day, I needed a big laugh!! Thank you for sharing your humor, and for stopping by my blog!!
    ~ Susan
    www.solesearchingmamma.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hi susan. i'm glad i made you laugh. thanks for visiting.

      Delete
  28. First thing in the morning drinking my coffee and reading this... let`s just say it was a near thing for my laptop, coffee just about sprayed it I was laughing so hard!

    http://forgetfulmomma.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. dear forgetful mom, what's your name again. you're from digby, i'm originally from nova scotia too. thanks for visiting.
      ps your name is ashley

      Delete
  29. Bev, this is hysterical. Your mom sounds like a hoot. May the lawsuit never arrive from the Swiss chalet...or be interfered with! Thanks for the laugh.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Should have proofed that a little better...Or your mother be interfered with. Still laughing though. Great dialog.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Hi, I am your newest follower. You have beautiful pictures on this blog!

    You are a no reply commentor. Make sense? If you update your account you will get many more people replying to your comments. Let me know if this doesn't make sense. Hope you have a great day!
    http://www.mommyiscoocoo.com/2011/11/hey-all-you-coocoo-commenters.html

    ReplyDelete
  32. Hey Bev, is your family from the West Indies? I had a clear flashback of conversations with my mom, especially when she got to the "interfere with you" part. Lol

    ReplyDelete
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    Feel free to surf to my homepage congestus

    ReplyDelete
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