Monday, September 10, 2012

keeping you abreast.........


our family just returned from another little trip to the canadian rockies. yes, i know it seems excessive, two trips in one summer is more than we are used to. we are not the high rollers my perfect grammer and sentence construction may have led you to believe we were. we are only slightly north of quite poor but we always pick entertainment over land taxes. plus, my sister and her husband had visitors from nova scotia and offered our little family the extra bedroom at the rented chalet.

we are not bogner dressed, high-end mountain park visitors. we do not quietly stare in awe at the majesty and beauty of the towering peaks.  instead we say things like "that's some high up there" "that's some god damn water pounding down that mountain'" for christ sakes, it's not a big bear, get out of the car." yes, we are those kind of tourists. in our defense we do not drink or litter or ski out of bounds (well if we did ski, it would be in bounds). i think the highlight of the drive through banff and jasper national parks are the fantastic, random animal pull-overs. you're roaring along, when suddenly you come upon cars lining each side of the road. you screech to a halt, grab your camera and jump out of the car. this past weekend  it was mountain sheep. poor, dear, mangy sheep, being photographed by tourist paparazzi. i have seen probably 500 mountain sheep in my lifetime but, well you know. ..... the sheep stand there, disinterested, hot and panting, licking salt and mineral from the white mountain stone. i take a picture, thinking you poor little bastards, i start to baa. baaaaaaa, baaaaa. not just some amateur story-time" baa" but  quality animal impersonation's sound. i scared the shit out of some poor german fellow standing next to me but i keep going. what i was actually saying to the sheep was "i have bottled water and salted soda crackers in the car, coooommmme, coooommmeee here." the sheep looked up and i didn't have the heart to take their picture. people did not start to baa along with me. i thought they might, but apparently i'm not that cool.

fast forward to this morning....i'm back home  i get up and start checking my favorite blogs. june - new,  rhonda - new, chris - new, katie - new and  terri - new. and the best bit, my sweet terri is talking about her floating boobies. well, i thought, i have a boob story. a current event boob story, a live from alberta piece of reporting.  terri has made it possible for me to talk about my boozies.

so rewind 2 days........

after a day of sight seeing, a lovely supper and laughter filled evening we all settled down for the night in our little mountain home  now i'm not the type of person who can worry about something for more than five minutes without sharing it with those around me.  so at about 11pm i went into my sister's room and said "what the hell do you thing this is". she peered at me, unfocused and startled. what was i doing with my pj top pulled up, inserting my ample chest into her face.

"i'm sleeping," she hisses
"your light was on," i retort
sister: what do you want?
me: i want you to look at my boobs
sister: yes, of course that's what you want
me: ha ha, now, smarten up and take a look
sister: they're massive
me: jesus christ, underneath, look underneath, at the rash.
sister: oh, that's a yeast infection.
me: a yeast infection, my breasts don't actually come in contact with my lady bits you know
sister: that doesn't matter, it's because your boobs are so heavy . you know all that sweat, heat and darkness.
me: those are the conditions for growing mushrooms, jesus, isn't yeast a fungus?  shoot me now. i've turned 50 and suddenly i'm the living garden.
sister: go away
me: are you sure of your diagnosis?
sister: yeah, someone at work had it
me: did you see it.
sister: no,. but she described it and we googled it.
me: that's comforting. what do i do?
sister: you have to get some monistat or fungus cream
me: how is sticking monistat up my front passage going to bring relief to my bosom
sister: you put the cream under your boobs, idiot.
me: i knew that

enter my sister's friend.

friend:  i can't sleep. the management has told the people in the next cabin to turn their music down and get out of the pool. why are there so many kids staying her?
me: it's the name. you can't very well name your resort after a native american disney character and expect the senior crowd.
friend:  i suppose, what kind of name attracts the old people?
me: " whispering winds", "the dew drop inn", that sort of thing
sister:  will you two shut the hell up, i would like to go to sleep.
friend:  yes, why are you still awake? are we talking about someone?
sister: yes, we are talking about beverly's boobs
friend: they are massive
me:  i have a rash
friend:  let me see.
me:  jesus, why not
friend: what do you think it is, pat
sister: yeast
friend:  i concur.
me:  have you seen it before?
friend:  no, but your sister should know
me:  maybe i should go outside and get the opinions of the revelers.
friend:  you should put some cornstarch and gauze on it.
me:  two items not readily available here in a national park at midnight
sister: i told her to use monistat.
friend: yes, half an applicator a boob, that should do the trick
me: well, i'm glad we go that sorted.

so on the way home i stopped at a drug store to find my sister's prescribed cream . my daughter said "please don't show the pharmacist your boobs."
me: you could always wait in the car
her: mommy please, we have all looked at your rash, that's enough.
me: what does it matter. we will never see the people in that drug store again
her: you maybe not, you're old but i might have to come her one day.
me: are you coming in me me?
her: are you showing?
me: i'll decide when i get in there. if there's a bunch of people, yes.
her: i'm coming
me: see, baby you like a big show



  1. I've always wondered about yeast ... like, could you have made some kind of breast-yeast bread? Kind of like that friendship bread people give each other the dough-starter for??

    In my above-ground 24-footer, your breasts would have floated lazily atop the water while the chlorine dried out your fungi. Bliss, I tell you! (Except you'd have had to see me groping myself)... just sayin'...

    Bev's Boob Post. My work here is done.

    1. well, now i know what i'm selling at the next farmer's market. bread, made with hand-gathered natural yeast. the label will read "a full bodied bread with a hint of chlorine.

      i will be right over.

  2. Curse this comment thingy ... that's me, Terri, up there.

    1. i know it's you terri, who else is in their pool naked.

      would you like some bread?

    2. I've got about ten responses to that. Must. Self. Edit.

  3. HAHAHAHAHAHA! That's awesome. I just did the same thing to my sister only we were standing in my driveway! Of course now I have a bazillion dr. appts. to determine whether or not I have breast cancer BUT I don't have a yeast infection! ;) - Great post. Loved it.

    1. oh sweetpea be brave. my mother had and beat breast cancer twice. i'm glad you showed your sister in the driveway.

      right now imagine me there, giving your hand a little pat and telling you everything is going to be ok. xxxx

  4. I laughed out loud on this one, Bev. Brilliant. I hope that everything resolved itself. First Sand Fleas, now TaTa Yeast. You're incresing my anxiety, Bev!

    1. baby kate. this is why i'm here - to introduce you to new things to fear.

      things seem to be responding underneath the ladies. i have added polysporin and a bit of cortisone cream to the monistat to cover all possible irritants

  5. Dear Bev, you have a sense of the ridiculous and an awareness of the foibles of being human that simply delight me. Thank you for making me smile this morning! And I hope you got that monistat! Peace.

    1. dear dee. that is the sweetess thing to say. i'm sure i love you now.

      i did get the cream and as i told kate(above) i've added to it. i'm like a mad scientist with a 3oz water cup, mixing creams in the bathroom

  6. Replies
    1. thank you haunani. how are those babies of yours?

    2. lol...the "babies" are great! Thanks for asking. <3

  7. Holy crap! Why do I always miss all the fun stuff? I swear, your hooter-flashing life style makes me feel so BORING! (I suddenly thought...if this s sober, what the hecck do you do tipsy? *grin*)

    1. you boring, i don't think so. i'm of the mind to never miss a chance to get a medical opinion - boobs; feet it makes now difference to me.

      and now that you mention it - i am quite a happy drunk xxxxx

  8. This was funny, did the rash clear up and did you show the drug store people your rash come on do tell how embarressed was your daughter....

    1. well miss jo-anne we will have to rewind the security tapes to see if infact the whole boob was out. my children always choose drama over embarassment. they are quite like their mother.

  9. This story had me laughing the whole way through! I've never heard of getting a yeast infection there! Did it clear up with the cream?

    1. yes sarah, the yeast has legs and will travel to all sorts of places. i'm happy to say things are looking much less angry under there.

  10. Even your blog commenters are funny! Me with my itty bitties, I feel consoled.

    1. thank you jeannie. heavy is the price we big busted girls pay.

  11. Since I turned 42, I get a maddening itch between my boobs if I sweat, or even think about sweating. Benadryl's done nothing. Maybe I should try Monistat.


    I have a friend who, after having major dental work done, got yeast on the roof of his mouth. By that standard, we're doing just fine.

    1. where is he have his mouth! yes june, give the monistat a try but don't be afraid to mix them up - along with polysporin. email me for the formula xx

  12. Are you sure it's not shingles? Maybe I better come for a calming visit to settle your nerves.

    1. yes by all means get out here and have a look. i don't think its shingles but you can decide. miss you

  13. Dazzling wit! See, that's why I love reading you.

    1. thank you candace, you sweet thing. i almost thought you said dazzling tit but then i looked again.

  14. I visited as promised and my god you are funny. I'm coming back. So glad you found me on She Writes. Thanks for a good boob laugh.

  15. Thank you for making me chuckle. I was having a small pity party between bouts of being a woman pissed-off at her mate. Now I am relieved and I have you to thank for it. Cheers!

  16. You're mentioned in my latest blog post ... in kind of a creepy way, but keep in mind that I have a nasty chest cold.

  17. You know I'm kidding, I hope. I like you ... but I'm hetero.