Wednesday, January 16, 2013

mom - live action shorts......


having a telephone conversation with my mother can be, on occasion, like gladiator tryouts. pitted against my mother,  i am at best, a mediocre warrior but knowing you're going to get your ass kicked is a piss, poor reason for not competing. the beginning of the bout is always fraught with posturing and posing.  each of us wanting to get a sense of where the other is in terms of readiness for the match. and really, if you haven't any sarcasm in your prelude, you haven't got game.........

mom: i told those fellows up at the hall that winter was over for us
me: really, why is winter over?
mom: because the skins on the onions are so thin
me: gotcha
mom: it called folklore
me: really, folklore, i've never heard of it
mom: well, i wouldn't expect you to know any folklore
me: thanks
mom: i never said you couldn't learn
me: gotcha

one of the best things about my mother is that her disdain is nearly universal.  sure, i have disappointed her but so, apparently, have lots of other people. so, while i feel for my fellow comrades i am also perfectly willing to sacrifice them. hell, i will safety-pin them to the altar........

which led to......
mom received some christmas presents she was not quite happy with - presents from friends and family alike. if i'm being completely forthcoming, my mother is unhappy with every present on some level. if it's a gift card, well there's the inconvenience of getting to the place, if it's something edible well it's stale or it interferes with her bowel movements. this particular disappointing present was a book.  not, as it turns out the book she was expecting to receive. so, during the conversation, when i found myself on the ropes  i referred back to this book because i needed a rest from getting my ass chewed off.

me: did you ever get the book you wanted
mom: no, did i tell you? mary gave me the wrong book!
me: yes mom, you told me already
mom: i let mary know that i was some disappointed
me: mother, that's not very nice
mom: well, she should know
me: of course
mom: she gave me some thomas kinkade book. the guy who paints
me: i'm sure its a nice book
mom: i don't know anything about that man and i'm sure its not going to entertain me, its probably christian
me: jesus mom, what's wrong with the christans
mom: i'm just saying, its probably not going to be funny.

later in the conversation - a brief moment of victory......
in mom's chrismas stocking was a little set of upcycled scrabble tiles with magnets on the back that spelled "grandma."

mom: could you tell me what those letters are supposed to be.
me: you put them on your fridge and they spell a word.
mom: well, i'll tell you one thing, they don't spell my name. i can't make them spell my name
me: that's because they don't spell your name
mom: your uncle couldn't figure it out, he thought it might be a game but there's not very many pieces.
me: the letters spell grandma
mom: grandma! are you sure?
me: yes, i'm sure
mom: hang on,
(i hear hush puppies tap, tap tapping across the floor. a long pause ensues)
mom: they do spell grandma
me: i told you
mom: well you know you're not always right
me: gotcha

but alas it did not end well for me
bev


90 comments:

  1. She sounds like a hoot! Is that a photo of her because it's gorgeous?

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    1. dear amy, sadly that's not her. i could probably take that woman. thanks for visiting, you sweet thing

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  2. Your mom sounds feisty, for sure! That's not reminiscent of a conversation with my mother, but it is nearly identical to every conversation I have with my grandmother, who is always disappointed in me and guilt tripping away for not calling her, not living next door, and not asking her how her cats have been. Alas. I love her to pieces, truly I do, but it's difficult, sometimes, to keep my mouth shut.

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    1. dearest, see this is where the difference in our ages shows itself. theoretically i would be your mother. my mother would then be your grandmother. see, doesn't that make sense now. xxx

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  3. I hate it when anything interferes with my bowel movements too, so I'm with your Mom on that one.

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    1. yes, i have to agree. it seems i have reached the age where bowel movements have to be considered.

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  4. OhmyGodohmyGodOHMYGOD do I love reading about your mother! Your ability to see the situation for what it is, rise to the challenge (or not, as you choose), and gracefully accept your sure defeat (because you are simply outmatched, my friend; your quiver of weaponry pales before your opponent's gall-spiked arsenal) is as admirable as it is entertaining. Kudos to you!!

    I don't know jack about folklore, but I will examine my onions closely from now on. Though I'm not sure they came from here - maybe their skins will tell the tale of winter in another state, which won't help me at all. I'm sure the nice fellow at Stop & Shop will be happy to explore this question with me.

    Man, folklore is worky.

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    1. hello my lady, see, you understand. i know i am defeated at the onslaught but i cannot help but show up. she toys with me but sometimes i like to pretend that i could win.
      please report all onion findings. xxx and thanks for visiting

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  5. I admire you being a woman of minimal words with your mother. As I tend to be very wordy in general, I would be getting my ass kicked left and right.

    You are very funny, though. I am surprised she isn't laughing....a lot. Still maybe she doesn't have a fun sense of humor. I am frankly surprised that she doesn't find Christians funny. We can be very funny upon occasion.

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    1. hi cheryl, my mother tends to look at things in terms of how much trouble they cause. she does laugh but mostly with the tv.

      and she is a pious woman who attends the united church every sunday. she often reports praying for me. thanks for coming over and commenting i appreciate it.

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  6. If your sense of humor came from her, she gave you quite a gift ... though her gift's wrapping may get a little cumbersome to sort through. I really do need to learn to say "gotcha." Thanks for the laugh, as always.

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    1. hi buttercup, mom doesn't know she's funny - which is the best kind of funny. i never know what she's going to say and quite frankly that delights me.

      i say gotcha on a daily basis. xxxxxxx

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    2. Teach me how to say gotcha with a Canadian accent. Hugs! (Kind of amped after today's Dr. visit. Need to be sleepy ... sleepy ...)

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    3. oh how i wish i could sleep. i think i live in the wrong time zone. i'm pretty sure i'm irish.

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  7. Here's another folklore, I have to cut open and onion and keep it with me tomorrow at work. We've got flu at the office (where windows don't open and we sit in closed meeting rooms). The onion is supposed to soak up the germs. I got a flu shot but this flu may not be covered. So, onions are cheap and it certainly won't hurt. In fact, it just may keep some of the ones I don't want to meet with away!

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    1. hello kathy, maybe i should collect onion lore and compile it into a handy life manual. i have never heard of the onion germ shield. i wish you luck and good health.

      thanks so much for the comment and visit.

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  8. LOL, what a book that would be. The onion council would love you. Here I sit, with my trusty onion at my side BTW. To make matters worse, we've had pork slowly roasting in the oven all night so at 5 AM the house is smelling all porky. I have a feeling a sandwich is in the making later on!

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    1. i believe you may be right. yum with mustard. the mustard council sounds very royal. keep your onion close xx

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  9. I so enjoy hearing about your mom interactions! What a hoot!

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    1. thank you candy. and you bet she's a hoot. she operates on the premise that if you think it you may as well say it.. good to hear from you

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  10. I think your mother is feeding you the lines and laughing right along with you ... she just has a better poker face than you. :)

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    1. dearest. my mother was in a pout over not receiving the coveted book by cindy day. i can assure you she was not laughing. i think she got the onion thing from cindy to. i ordered the book for her while i was on the phone, it whizzing toward her right now.xxxxxxx

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  11. My mother is VERY similar. She used to very graciously give me back gifts a few months after I had given her them saying " it's just no use to me so I thought maybe you could use it?". Thanks Mum.

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    1. my mother used to sell mine. she sold the toaster over we sent and a coffee pot and a gift card. its refreshing to her of someone actually getting something back. thanks for coming to visit.

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  12. I LOVE the posts about your Mom. The love is apparent, even when overshoadowed with the Gladiaotr Matches.
    Shortly before my Mom passed, she told me she'd always been proud of me. "Why didn't you ever TELL me THAT!?!"
    "Becasue I know you and you would have either quit trying or kept doing something that wasn't going to get you anywhere in life."
    Can I say, I think our Moms shared a brain. *hugs*

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    1. dear chris, yes mom and i love each other. sure, it's a weird love but i think it is too late to expres it any other way. don't get me wrong, i enjoy it. :). thanks for visiting sweetie xx

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  13. Hi - thanks for finding me through Aloha Friday Blop Hop! Enjoyed your post. -Cheryl
    http://www.littlethingsbigdifference.com

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    1. hi cheryl. thanks for finding me and visiting.

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  14. Haha, your mom is a trip! Thanks for finding my blog - I'm your newest follower :)

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    1. haha I agree. That was a great read.
      Newest follower! Hope you can check out my blog and enter my current giveaway & follow back! Over $100 in prizes to be won!
      www.nellecreations.com

      10% off your first GLOSSYBOX with code GLOSSY32

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    2. hello asha, that's a very pretty name. thank you for finding me and following.

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    3. hi nelle. i will check out your blog. thanks for visiting and following.

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  15. What a feisty lady your mom is. I love this post!

    Oh! And, Aloha. :)

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    1. aloha gypsy, i stayed in your fine town this summer. yes, you could call my mother feisty. thanks for visiting.

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    2. lovely. we had a large time

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  16. I'm happy to follow you back! thank you for following my blog. My mum ia a lot like yours..I miss her, we live far away.:)

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    1. hi erika, i live far away from my mom. i miss mine too. thanks for visiting and following.

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  17. Hello! Visiting from Aloha Friday...

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    1. hello beth, thanks for visiting aloha

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  18. Super nice post ..

    Jessica
    www.littlemapleleaf.blogspot.com

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    1. why thank you jessica. thank you for visiting.

      Delete
  19. Newest follower! Hope you can check out my blog and enter my current giveaway & follow back! Over $100 in prizes to be won!
    www.nellecreations.com

    10% off your first GLOSSYBOX with code GLOSSY32

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. dear nelle, didn't you comment up there with asha. nevertheless i did check out your blog and followed. i canadian too.

      Delete
  20. Good grief your mom sounds a lot like my mom's mom. Maybe we're related and this just runs in families. My favorite part in Gladiator is when Maximus tells his troops (near the beginning of the movie) that if they find themselves riding in green pastures it means they're dead - my version of hell is all the paper I want but no adhesive. ;)

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    1. hi cindy, we could make adhesive out of flour and water and go all old school. we could be related, we like the same things. thanks for coming by.

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  21. Thanks for joining the hop! New follower:)
    Brittney

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    1. thank you brittney d for following and visiting

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  22. Your mom sounds a sweet heart, something else! We love our mom's don't we? Thank you for visiting and following my blog. I look forward to read more. I am a new follower.

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    1. dear sara, yes, we love our moms. and yes my mom is something else. thanks for visiting and following.

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  23. Thank you for following me. I like the way you write...sort of raw and real...kind of my style as well. :)

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    1. dear jayma, thank you for the raw and real comment. you are much younger and prettier than me but i don't mind. thank you for visiting and following me. you are very sweet.

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  24. I love this! Thanks for following my blog, I'm following you now too! Have a great weekend!
    Theresa

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    1. theresa benoit, you have a good weekend. thank you for your kind words and the follow

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  25. thanks for the follow :) returning that favor xo

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    1. hello plush, great name. thank you for returning the favor. xo

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  26. Hi, thanks for stopping by my blog. I am now following back :)
    Melissa
    The Eyes of a Boy
    www.theeyesofaboy.com

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    1. hello melissa ann, i love the name of your blog. thanks for visiting and following.

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  27. Replies
    1. oh yes we do. thanks for the visit and the follow

      Delete
  28. Following you back from the Aloha blog hop. Love your photos. And the conversation with your Mom is priceless

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    1. dear kyoti, you have a very cute name and cute crafts. thanks for the kind words and the follow

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  29. Thanks for following via aloha blog hop! Following you back! Great blog btw!

    xx kelly

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    1. hi kelly, thanks for following me back. btw i just learned what that mean. thanks

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  30. Thanks for visiting from the Aloha hop. I love, love, love your writing style. Very Fitzgerald. If you wrote a novel, I'd definitely read it!

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    1. jesus kate, aren't you the nicest girl ever. we should be friends. thanks for the follow. xx

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  31. I do love these chats you have with your mother they are so entertaining...........well maybe not so much for you but for me very entertaining

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    1. dear jo-anne, i do love having these chats with mom. i can never predict what she is going to say. i hadn't the foggiest idea the christian comment was coming. it was really hard not to laugh. thanks as always for visiting, i really appreciate it. xxx

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  32. Thanks so much for following my blog from the Aloha hop! I'm following you right back!

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    1. well, thank you alexis. i glad you came to call

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  33. Thanks so much for following me from the Aloha Friday blog hop!

    I love this conversation. I swear I've had it before with a grand,other or something.

    www.mommacandy.com

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    1. hi shauna q, thank you for visiting and following, maybe my mother is related to you.

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  34. Hi, thanks for visiting, following back!

    Sarah :o)

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    1. thanks sarah louise for visiting and following back

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  35. Thanks for dropping by! x

    http://jadesmoke04.blogspot.com/

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    1. what a cool name! thanks for dropping by and following x

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  36. thanks for hopping by my blog, following you back

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    1. hi deanna lyn. i glad you hopped over her. thanks for following

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  37. Hi! Following you back from Blog Hop. Thanks for the support!

    BLOG: http://wholesouljewelry.blogspot.com/
    FACEBOOK: https://www.facebook.com/WholeSoulJewelry
    WEBSITE: http://www.wholesouljewelry.com/

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    1. hello lisa. thanks for visiting and following

      Delete
  38. Your style is hilarious! I followed from the Aloha Blog Hop. Your mom sounds like a trip. Followed your blog, and I can't wait to read more the crazy path your life travels.

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    1. geez t a woods thanks for saying such nice things. i'll try to provide more crazy. thanks for following

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  39. loving your blog so far! following back :)

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    1. dear lauren. thank you so much and thanks for following.

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  40. Mom's are the best! Thanks for stopping by my blog. I am a new follower to yours now too

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    1. hi kim. yes, mom's are cool. thanks for following.

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  41. Dear Bev, I've been away from reading blogs for about six weeks and I'm so glad to return today and discover once again your own particular dry wit. You always have me smiling at your wonderful expressions and the way you have of drawing me into the gladiator contest.

    Please know that I'm rooting for both of you because these exchanges between you and your mom remind me that I, too, could somehow speak out when a particular person seems always to find a way to put me in my place. She stumps me and remembering you, I realize that I, too, have a tongue!

    Because I've been away, I'm sure I'm missed some of your best writing. So if you have a post or two you'd especially like me to read, please do let me know. And please do know that your writing lightens my day. Peace.

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    1. dearest dee, how happy i am that you returned. i hope your writing project went ok. i root for us both as well. it seems we have developed this way of communicating over the years. we never raise our voices or become emotional, i bide my time and wait for moments of small victory because i honestly don't stand a chance. i appreciate your comment and your visit very much

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  42. Coming from the Meet and Greet blog hop, and am now following you. Wanted to say your posts are a very interesting read.
    Sasha O. from http://waytomotherhood.blogspot.ca/

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  43. I love your writing style! So glad you stopped by my blog the other day.
    I can definitely understand where you are coming from in regard to the relationship with your mother. I have learned a lot since becoming an adult. I will leave it at that, lol!

    -Karen
    www.yourstylistkaren.com

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