Thursday, January 24, 2013

the brief career of a clerical scholar.....




i have been known my entire life as a "prayer challenge". my aunt kept my name permanently inked in on her prayer list. the list was scotch-taped to the cupboard above the kitchen sink. as she stood and washed her dishes she would pray for the souls of the people on the list. i was the only child to make the list and i was the only one never removed from the rotation. i remember sitting on her kitchen counter, eating molasses cookies and asking her why i was on the list. "because," she would say "you're full of the devil". she always smiled when she said it and in her defense this was probably during my satan art - crayon series. life was a puzzle then, as it is now. but i did my best to find answers, wherever i could.........

so
when i was around 8, i told a story in sunday school that to my complete surprise, didn't go over well. I don't remember where i came across the marvelous information i was about to unveil but i remember being pretty excited to share it. before we go on, let's make it clear i thought i had come across yet to be released biblical insight. i was so sure my story was true but apparently fact checking was a yet to be acquired skill. i cannot remember the morning of my big announcement but i probably ran the half mile up the road to the church. my patent leather shoes slapping the pavement and my dress flying up  i am certain i was there early, sitting in the pew with my "oh my god, i've got a story" look on my face.. i remember i was fairly bursting to get back to the lesson rooms. i loved the warm up songs with all the funky hand movements but this week i was breaking news. once we were in the back and in our classroom, i was off. i cut off whatever lesson the teacher was about to begin - my story certainly had precedence over any loaves and fishes. "EXCUSE ME, did you know?" i started. "on the ark noah removed all the boy animals wankers because he didn't want any fooling around on the voyage." i can tell you,  the word wankers and the suggestion of sex on the ark had turned the crowd my way,,,,, but surprisingly this was not my "big news". i'm sure i had a dramatic pause just about then. hell, i probably stood up. "well", i continued , "when the ark landed noah gave everyone back their parts. except he mixed up the donkey and camel's wankers and that's why camels have such small ones and donkey's have such biggies.

waiting for my applause......

whatever i thought was going to happen at this point did not happen. i just remember being so frantic to get this new information out there. the sunday school teacher was not impressed. i was immediately escorted from the room and after a very long, damnation filled talk i was placed on church probation. i apparently posed a risk to the other children's salvation. i was devastated, not for being in trouble, not for getting my ass chewed out but because my story was not going to be written down by a scribe and included in future lessons. they thought i was being a blasphemous smart ass, telling dirty jokes in sunday school. i thought i was a  religious correspondent

this theme has repeated over and over again in my life. i am an incredibly slow learner. i love the "tell" - the big reveal. when i got older, i remember thinking, before letting loose, this probably isn't going to end well. but the urge to tell the tale is always too great. and besides personal satisfaction trumps consternation any day.

a historical footnote: my church probation stayed intact till around 11 when i discovered and shared some fascinating info on mary magdalene. i was turfed from sunday school and received a life-time ban from the "young christians" group.

cheers,
bev

44 comments:

  1. Never ever stop telling! You're too damned good at it. That was hilarious on all counts. I, for one, am thrilled you were banned from the young Christians; otherwise, you might never have started this blog.

    Here's to the heathens!

    Oh, and if you haven't read it yet, check out Marion Winik's collection of essays called "Telling." It is raw and funny and my first writing inspiration as a grown-up.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. dearest amy, thank you sweet and sexy thing. i used to watch the young christians bus leave on a saturday morning to go to prayer camp. i envied those devil-free children, each holding their own young christian bible with their name inscribed in gold. but my fabulously short attention span saved from feeling any real despair or the need to repent.

      i put marion's book in my amazon shopping cart. thanks. and i'll email you the secret .............ok?

      Delete
  2. I'd rather hang with a 'church branded heretic'
    and have something called fun. You, me and Galleo baybee - let's go fall off the edge of the Earth and party like it's 1999. xoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That would be Galileo - too many balls slapping me in the face while typing...

      Delete
    2. and i would rather hang with you. jesus, are you stoned? why are balls slapping you in the face while you're typing? is it a minute to win it game?

      thanks for stopping in and inviting me out. xxx

      Delete
  3. You were casting your pearls before swine, baby. Swine! And yes, that's a Biblical reference in keeping with your story, LOL!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. dear debra, that is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. thank you so much.

      by the way, you know a lot about religion, are you god? if you are, did you tell noah about removing the wankers or did he come up with that on his own.

      Delete
  4. As always, Bev, you are an absolute delight. This is hilarious. I never went to Sunday School and so I cannot really relate. But I, like you, did not have much of a filter as a child. ...or now.

    I agree with Amy, wholeheartedly! :-) Keep it up, Bev, you brazen gal!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. baby katie, thank you so much. you would have loved sunday school. there were arts and crafts and terribly dramatic stories. it was a sort of martha stewart/walking dead mash up.
      i think your filter is still quite porous.

      Delete
  5. Oh my word! That is just too funny but explains a LOT about donkeys and camels! ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hi candy, it funny how these things come about. who knew. thanks for your comment i really appreciate it.

      Delete
  6. Another gem of a story, my dear! I can just see you doing this. I must now see a photo of a camel and a donkey, side by side ... in order to compare and contrast. Maybe the humps take up a lot of the camel's vascular resources???

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. buttercup, do you want me to email some camel/donkey penis posing pics? i'd be pretty pleased to provide them.

      i loved sunday school. i loved singing "give me gas in my ford, keep me puttin' for the lord. give me gas in my ford, i pray. give me gas in ford and keep me puttin' for the lord. keep me puttin till the end of days.

      thank you xxxxx

      Delete
    2. There is now a camel wanker on my blog, dedicated to you. You're welcome.

      Delete
    3. the wanker is gone and with it my hopes and dreams of the breathtaking comment i was going to leave xxxxxxxx

      Delete
  7. Another bloody great post and funny to boot...............thanks for it............

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. dear joanne. another great comment and nice to boot. ............. thanks for that..........xx

      Delete
  8. What a wonderful story! I am so happy that you came to visit my blog. Got me over here and i love it! following you back with pleasure
    hugs
    jutta

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you jutta, god, people have the best names. what were my parents thinking. and thank you following me back with pleasure. xx

      Delete
  9. What? You're not gonna share the dirt on Mary? Now how will I sleep?
    Personally, I think if they'd have included your lesson plans, attendance would have BOMED!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. i can't tell everything all at once. now you either meant to say boomed (which would be good) or bombed ( which would be bad) hmmmm..... either way i glad you keep coming back. xxx

      Delete
  10. Love it!! There's nothing like a good old story with shock value to get your into trouble. Keep them coming, Bev!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you heather. i like to include some shock and value into a story. thank you for visiting and commenting.

      Delete
  11. LMAO!
    I was asked to leave for being "a bad influence." I sure wish I had a story like yours to back it up!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ah theophanie, another troublemaker. bless you, i knew i liked you. thanks for visiting.

      Delete
  12. That is an amazing story. Coming over to follow you, and tell you thanks for the follow--but this was a truly fantastic surprise. Thanks for sharing--it made me laugh so hard.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. dear julia, thank you for saying such nice things. i glad you came by. come back any time. thanks for the follow and comment

      Delete
  13. Well, that seems that it was back in the day because nowadays I'm sure they welcome such knowledge as long as you're not using bad words, and to my knowledge wanker is NOT a bad word. That story was too funny, but yet very interesting and made sense to me! I'm your latest follower. Nice to meet you. I hope you followed me too when you stopped by and thanks! Have a great weekend.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hello dolly (get it). i glad you came by. since my church experience since age 11 is very limited. i'll have to take your word for it. thanks for following and commenting. you have a nice weekend

      Delete
  14. When my email let me know you had written here I exclaimed aloud: "OH! THANK THE LORD!!!" as I knew whatever you would say would cheer me up. Very appripoe wouldn't you say?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. dearest sister, there is no reason to call me lord. bev will do. :) hahahaha.

      Delete
  15. Thank you so much for visiting my blog via the Aloha Blog Hop! I am following you right back
    xx
    Serena
    www.theserenasaga.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hi serena, thanks for following back. you are nice

      Delete
  16. enjoyed reading this post!! :-)

    http://mscomposure.blogspot.com
    http://www.infinitelifefitness.com

    ReplyDelete
  17. One bright May morning when I was 10, I wandered by a men's residence at Acadia University, on my way to Sunday school. Dressed in a mini suit, I noticed that the men moving out for the summer had left piles of playboy, esquire and other magazines. Tucking a couple of issues under my coat I made my way to church.

    In the all boys Sunday school class, the instructor was giving a lesson on christian charity as the boys sat around the table, dozing in the morning sunshine. Noting the boredom, and feeling a tad bored myself I dug out a magazine that I held under the table. A boy sitting next to me grabbed at it, demanding a peek. Passing it to him, I knew trouble could be close. To my horror the magazine was then passed under the table to the other side. Laughter commenced, the teacher's gaze became transfixed. "Hand me that magazine" he demanded. "Who brought this into the room" he demanded. Every finger in the room pointed at me. I was chastised and banished from the Baptist church for a time. That was my first lesson in christian charity and my last Sunday school class. Like you, many said prayers ongoing for me. The saga continue! Thanks Bev. ME

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. oh mark, you poor dear. but at least you got to look at a dirty magazine - surely that's better than sunday school.

      when i first went to acadia i had never seen lettuce, except on a hamburger. i was so impressed but i had no idea what it was for. how rural is that!!

      Delete
  18. Bev no matter where you came from, you were very busy stretching your mouth to let those big words come right out! Most importantly, that candle of yours continues to brighten the world of digital readers with illumination and laughter! Thank goodness you weren't born in a big town or city. :)

    ReplyDelete
  19. Hilarious and ever educational... loved this!

    Literally laughing out loud,

    ¤´¨)
    ¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
    (¸.·´ (¸.·`¤... Jennifer
    http://jennsrandomscraps.blogspot.ca

    ReplyDelete
  20. Reading this made me smile! I kind of feel bad for little you though! If my daughter said this to me, I'd just be proud of how creative she was! :)

    ReplyDelete
  21. So funny! Adults should embrace the creativity of youth!
    Thanks so much for stopping by and following!
    Sandy
    www.savardstudios.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  22. Oh my goodness, you are so gifted! I loved this story and I certainly identify with your urge to just "get it out" (mentioned in the satan art essay). Sometimes people don't know how to handle us over-the-top-creatives. Too bad for them!
    So far my blog list is populated with crafts and recipes and grandparenting. Didn't realize how much my soul needed something like this too. So glad you found me! I'm a fan!

    ReplyDelete
  23. You have an amazing way with words! I am so glad you stopped by my blog from the meet & greet hop. I'm in love with your blog, and am now a follower. I look forward to reading more about your adventures in life.
    Melanie
    http://violetsbuds.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  24. Thank you for following my blog. I am now following yours.

    ReplyDelete