Monday, December 31, 2012

dancing to the edge, of the land........



and so it begins - a new year - a new set of impossible expectations. i for one love it - i've been disappointing people in one way or another since my birth. i thrive in no-win environments. but let's not give away the ending before the show has begun.

the RESOLUTION. there it stands, an irresistible temptation.. it beckons and you can't help but be seduced. whether it be secret resolve or public declaration, you announce your intentions 

and so i come to you with list in hand and eager to proceed. my many pledges include...
- let my teats feel the breeze once in awhile
- gain weight
- discover i am talented embroiderer
- swear more
- be less cautious with perscription medication

i should tell you...
 i hoard normal like other people hoard money. i see a bits of it laying on the ground.- i snatch it up and carefully tuck it away. i tell myself, "someday i'll need that normal. someday i'll need to have my wits about me."  for now i'm content to keep it in my pocket, i'm not ready to raid my stash.

as my friend margaret atwood sort of says-
my mother and i fit together like a hook and eye - a fish hook in an open eye.

so speaking of her....
my mother and i conversed almost like a regular family on christmas day. well, almost, she spent about 25 minutes reviewing every present and when i say reviewing, i mean it in the worst possible way. "how much did that cost?" "i can tell you right now, that's not going to last." "the cookies are stale, god knows how long they sat on the shelf or did you have them from last year." 
and on and on it goes. it's like a lulaby to me. a soothing tirade that assures me everything is well with the world. she has decided now she would like me to purchase a "lay down" freezer for her. she thinks i skived her on her birthday present. she doesn't understand the $300 walmart card was for christmas and her birthday. i can't decide if she's really going off or she's just watching too many game shows and i have somehow become the host. "yes, bev i'll take the freezer for $400 and the year supply of omaha steaks. and bev, i think i'll use my free spin."

you should also know that courtesy of my sister, mother received one of those "i've fallen and i can't get up" devices for christmas. she's fantically old and i live 3500km away from her so i feel comforted knowing that she has easy access to medical assistance .....but my mother doesn't like to let any service go unused, so she's pushing that button on a whim. in lttle over a week she cried black hawk down 3 times - once to test thier response time. once to complain about the cord being wet after her shower and once in lieu of reading the instruction book. sorry medical alert people, you'll be earning your money on this one.

finally i would like to share with you my favorite tv bit from this year. i love british tv and film, so several years ago we bought a universal dvd player so i could indulge my vice. i love all the cursing, it's like all hbo, all the time. this is from an eposide "an idiot abroad".  i should warn you, there are proper nob and bollocks in this clip. so if you're uncomfortable with seeing a penis,  remember  - jeaus people, it's art, not porn. go on, have a peek best tv bit  (oh and elephant baba is featured too)

happy new year
bev




75 comments:

  1. Oh, Bev, I honestly can't imagine what it's all like in real life, but DEAR GOD your mother is entertaining for us readers!!!!

    Happy new year, lovely girl! Good luck gaining weight. Enjoy some cookies. Not those year-old ones you tried to give Mum, though. Jeez.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. my dear lady, happy new year to you. yes, my mother, my mother. she is a constant sense of joy and horror for me.

      i will try and be a poster girl for heathy weight gain. thank you so much for stopping by, i really enjoy your comments

      Delete
  2. Bev! Love your blog, love your writing style. Thanks for stopping by mine and for following me. The support is appreciated. I am returning the follow!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hi aleisha, thank you so much. you are the cutest little thing. i appreciate the follow and the comment. happy new year.

      Delete
  3. I'm happy to follow you into the New Year!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. dear artful diva. i like your work. you are very talented. thanks for the follow and visit. happy new year.

      Delete
  4. thank you for visiting my blog ... and I'm following you back. Your writing is ... well, it's very good. Like piercing-to-the-heart good. So I am looking forward to reading more.

    Oh, and I am happy to send you some of my weight. ;)

    And another oh ... post your embroidery!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hilary, you sweet thing. thank you so much. i enjoy making things as well. to be honest i have quite a bit of my own weight but i'm getting to old and tired to eat rice cakes. thanks for the follow and visit

      happy new year and i will try and post my makings.

      Delete
  5. Thanks for the visit and follow Bev. Gotcha back. Always good to meet another Brit-tv-ophile! :O)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. oh luann, you said gotcha. i may have a crush on you. thanks for the vist and follow

      Delete
  6. Well ... I just arrived home from a New Years Party wherein we played bunko and drank sparkling apple juice, nobody swore and, for the most part, I'm a bit like a round peg in a square hole ... but I can always rely on you to bring me back to my center... somewhere between a nice parlor game and a twisted pecker.



    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hello buttercup, i had to google "bunko" - it sounded slightly dirty.
      i'm telling you, this is the very reason you need to get your rear end up here - twisted pecker tv on command. that and me talking your head off. bring you sparkling apple juice, we'll invent a game that we have a shot every time we see a wiener

      happy new year xxxxxxx

      Delete
  7. First, I ADORE your list of resolutions! And I can totally picture you "airing things out". *falls over in giggle fit*
    Now, let me tell you I read this post while hubby was filling up the gas tank. The poor guy opened the door to me screaming, "OH, MY EYES!!!" over your video clip.
    I still cringe and cross my legs when I have a flash-back, and I don't even have a daddy-dangle! ACK!
    Much love to you and wishes for a Happy New Year! *hugs*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hello mis dean, that dick around the stick thing is so great. i made everyone who came to my house for christmas watch it. i was like here's a shortbread cookie and some wassll, now let's watch the best thing you've ever seen
      love right back at and happy new year.

      Delete
  8. But WHY? WHY would he do that?!? Owwweee!
    Your stories of your mother crack me up, they too closely resemble my mother-in-law! ;)
    Happy New Year and good luck with those resolutions!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hi candy, i know, what will those crazy babas think of next. i'm glad you can relate to my mom - she's a pistal
      happy new year, my dear

      Delete
  9. Happy New Year--love your list of resolutions! Thanks for visiting my blog and the follow. Following you back.

    Sandy
    Cherished Handmade Treasures

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hello sandy, thanks for following and commenting. i hope you have a wonderful new year.

      Delete
  10. Teats in the breeze, eh? Just make sure it's summer when you do it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. oh come on, debra it's a dry cold, i'll be ok.
      thanks for stopping by. best wishes for a lovely 2013

      Delete
  11. You and your mother -- I love when you write about her. The game show comment, "mother doesn't like to leave any service unused..." I was dying.

    You're a wonderful writer, Bev.

    Happy New Year!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. howdy june, my mother, my mother, my mother. i'm forced to order a freezer from sears and have it sent to her. i will be paying it off for the next 20 years - partly because i cannot say no to her and party because i want to hear her complain about what a shitty freezer i bought her.

      thanks for saying nice things.

      Delete
  12. thanks for following marigoldroad today. i followed you back. i like the name of your blog!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. dear mindy, thank you for following and saying you like my blog name. it is the name of my little paper shop on our farm.
      happy new year

      Delete
  13. Looks at the bright side... At least she gives you great blog material! That reminds me, I should really blog about my mom and grandma.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hi camille, thank you commenting and following. you should write about your mom and grandma - it very therapeutic
      happy new year

      Delete
  14. Ok that clip from idiot abroad made my eyes water.........

    Your mother sounds like a riot.........also like someone who would make me want to pull my hair out....lol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. dear jo-anne, isn't that clip the greatest thing. i'd travel to india to see that - screw the taj mahal.

      my mother is a riot - that's why you have to approach her with full protective gear on. happy new year sweetie

      Delete
  15. Hi Bev! Thanks so much for stopping by my blog and following! You are a very gifted writer, btw! I'm trying to follow you via GFC(Google Friend Connect), but the follow button is not working properly(I'll keep trying). Thanks again and have a blessed New Year!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hi michell, thank for your kind words and for stopping by. don't sweat the follow. i wish you the happiest of new year.

      Delete
  16. Hey Bev! Thanks for the comment on my blog. Love yours, love your writing, your newest follower,
    Raelle

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hey raelle, thanks for the nice comment and for following. have a lovely new year.

      Delete
  17. Hi there! Toqua said you liked her blankets and that she came to visit and she thought I could relate to this post. Boy was she right! I didn't know if I should laugh with you or pray for your sanity to keep. I do both for myself, lol. Happy New Year!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hi theophanie, i first thought that this was some sort of cryptic message but now i got it. what do you relate to dick baba or my mom? or both? thanks for the comment and follow. wishing you the merriest of the new year.

      Delete
  18. Love love love this post Bev - your mom would drive me to drink. Oh wait - I'm already there. ;) Jeepers she's rough on you but dang I love your attitude (and amazing writing style!) about it all - got me laughing for sure! Happy New Year Bev!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. dear cindy - thank you so much for your kind words. i am rather excited to have you visit. wishing you and your family a lovely and happy 2013 xxx

      Delete
  19. Hi I'm following you back. thanks for visiting my blog. You have a lovely blog. Cant wait to read more.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. aha, your name tis cindy. thanks for visiting and following. happy new year

      Delete
  20. Hi Bev, thanks for stopping by my blog! Following back now. :) Looking forward to reading more!

    xo,
    Kristin
    aboutagirl.ca

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you kristin dawn for visting my blog and following. happy new year

      Delete
  21. Thanks for stopping by my blog. Sorry it took me so long to stop back by here. I am following you now.

    www.adventureswithcaptaindestructo.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hi melissa, no worries my dear. i'm glad you stopped by and followed. happy new year

      Delete
  22. I can't go to the video yet because my virus protector has expired and somehow I feel your video may require some protection. I'm gonna get me one of those grass skirts though...:)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. aw sus, take a chance. you won't be disappointed and you won't need your reading glasses. happy new year.

      Delete
  23. You make me laugh, Bev. And one of my (unwritten) resolutions is to be more brave. You strike me as a brave lady, Bev, and I'm gonna look to you as my Yoda. Wishing you a wonderful and blessed 2013. May all your resolutions be successful! xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. well kate you make me laugh. i think i am nosey, not brave. i must leave no stone unturned, no question unasked and no pill unswallowed in my journey through wonderland.

      i'm glad you're back, i missed you. may your happiness be abundant and unmanageable in 2013. xx

      Delete
  24. Your mom sounds like a hoot! I'm glad your Christmas felt real and honest, and I hope that lasts through 2013.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hello sweetie, i'm glad you stopped in. yes, a hoot is one thing you could call my mom. i hope your christmas was happy and your this coming year is happier still. xxx

      Delete
  25. I love this post. I'm not quite normal either but I'd rather be a little "off" than fit in with the crowd. I love how quirky and funny this post is. Thoroughly enjoyed it. Your mom sounds like a blast and I'm thinking, the one who inspired you to be the quirky and funny gal you are today!!

    I hope you're having a great week and a Happy New Year!

    Thank you so much for linking up to last week's Aloha Friday Blog Hop!! I'm following you.

    If you have time, we'd love to have you come and link up to the Aloha Friday Blog Hop if you haven't already! (Thank you so very much if you've already linked up, I truly appreciate it!!)

    Come and link up and celebrate the coming weekend with us!

    Aloha,

    Jean {What Jean Likes}

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. dear jean. thanks for stopping by. i'll be right over to link up. yes, blast is another word you could call my mom - she's a hoot and a blast. happy new year to you and yours.

      Delete
  26. What a fun ride your stories always are... thank you!!

    Wishing you a breezy New Year!

    ¤´¨)
    ¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
    (¸.·´ (¸.·`¤... Jennifer
    http://jennsrandomscraps.blogspot.ca

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hi jenn, i hope you had a lovely christmas. thanks for dropping by. happy new year

      Delete
  27. Hi there - new follower from the blog hop! Love your blog and can't wait to read more! Hope you have a great day! :)
    Rachel
    http://sugar-stripes.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hello rachel, thank you for following and commenting. i hope you have a great day.

      Delete
  28. Well this just made me smile. I am not in the norm either... far from it really. I think quite differently than most people. I really love your blog. Would you like to follow each other?

    Much Love,
    http://amyklundt.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. well amy k, i think we should follow each other. i glad you're not normal. thanks for stopping by, i'll be right over to follow you. happy new year

      Delete
  29. OMG!!! You really made me laugh, I loved the part about your mom testing her device… too funny.I would love to attend one of your gatherings, I bet I'd be laughing the entire time, you all sound like a lovely family. Oh and the part about the freezer… Ha! Priceless times :-)

    Thank you for following me from the blog hop, I look forward to seeing your new post pop up in my blog roll- its bloggers like you that make the bloggy world worth living in :-) Thanks so much for sharing, this was fun to read

    Blessings Dear
    Maya D

    www.perfectlyimperfektme.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. dear maya, god you say lovely things - thank you so much. i'm glad you stopped by, you made my day. thanks for commenting and following. happy new year

      Delete
  30. I am so diggin' the hula skirt!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. i am so digging your name. happy new year

      Delete
  31. Thanks for visiting my site today! I am following you back, and I love reading about your mom. wow. I guess I'm incredibly cheap, but I don't come close to $300 for Christmas for my family!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. dear becki, you are not cheap, my mother is greedy - she asked for 300. but she's old and i love her.... thanks for visiting and following. happy new year

      Delete
  32. Happy new year.. Mine is to lose weight..
    megha
    http://meghafashionista.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hi megha. lovely name. good luck with your resolution. thanks for stopping in. happy new year.

      Delete
  33. Wow, I love your blog! Thank you so much for following my blog. So thrilled to follow yours. Your post is awesome. Happy New Year to you!

    Kathy @ lifeonlakeshoredrive.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. dear kathy. wow, thanks for the kind words. i think you are great too. happy new year. thanks for the follow.

      Delete
  34. Thanks for stopping by and commenting! I am now following you as well! Can't wait to read more <3 Christin

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hi christin, honestly people have the loveliest names. you're welcome, i had to google what <3 means. thanks for the following and <3 back at ya

      Delete
  35. Hi Bev,
    Happy New Year, seems yours started with a laugh.
    Love to be part of your circle... thanks for the invite.
    xoxo
    RBStyle

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hi rb or should i call you style. thanks for stopping by and following. happy new year.

      Delete
  36. Thanks so much for the comment and follow! i'm following you now too!

    ReplyDelete
  37. You entertain me once again. We need to get together soon so we can practice our hookin' and strippin'!

    ReplyDelete
  38. You could certainly see your enthusiasm within the article
    you write. The world hopes for even more passionate writers like you who are not afraid to mention how they believe.
    All the time go after your heart.

    Feel free to surf to my webpage www.wildpartygirls.org

    ReplyDelete
  39. If some one wishes expert view concerning blogging and site-building after that i recommend him/her
    to pay a quick visit this webpage, Keep up the good job.



    Here is my web page; Xxx-Fuck.Net

    ReplyDelete
  40. I'm more than happy to discover this site. I want to to thank you for ones time for this particularly fantastic read!! I definitely appreciated every bit of it and I have you book marked to check out new stuff on your website.

    Check out my weblog :: hotgirlsexcam.com

    ReplyDelete