Monday, December 3, 2012

miss esteem takes her self to market.......




i have been to a lot of farmer's markets in my day. why?  because quite frankly, where else would i buy my barbie toilet paper holder with the green and yellow variegated gown. well that and i have merchandise to flog. the farmer's market is by all accounts rural alberta's most promising retail hotspot. this past weekend we held our communities' christmas market. the grand finale for the year. the big round up, complete with turkey dinner.  it's almost more than one"s soul can bear. 

i love going to the farmer's market but i practically come undone in the days preceding it. i worry and i worry about anything and everything. will someone bleed to death from a  paper cut after purchasing one of my homemade journals? will someone develop a festering blister from one of my book making tools? will someone  be unable to afford food for their children because i sold them something?  these questions and more are the whirly, twirly thoughts that spin in my head. the day of market i listen to eminem, loud, on my ipod and drink diet coke for breakfast. this duo being my choice drug when i'm in need of a confidence boost. there's nothing quite like an angry white man and aspartame to make a girl feel like she can fly.

by the time i arrive at the market i'm a rock star. i confess right now that i love people. love, love, love  them all.  the big ones, the little ones, the babies, i especially love the cranky or peculiar ones. for me, they represent my best opportunity to hear a great story.  this week i hit pay dirt right off the bat -  a charming old lady,  who had on what appeared to be blue lipstick in a wide swath under her eyebrows. not the eye lids mind you,  just the brow bones above her little glasses.  she also had pink circles drawn on her cheeks. i think perhaps, to invoke that fresh as a daisy look. she was pure lovely, all white haired and she was smiling at me. oh lord i thought , i've found a friend. she was so pleased with herself that i thought it  just might be possible to inhale her confidence along with her avon perfume. 

to be honest (and why not) farmer's markets are, for the most part, uneventful. during my tenure there have been no armed robberies or assaults. sure there's the constant infighting surrounding table issues. location - location. and in case you're not in the know - the place you want to be is against the wall and near the front and nowhere near the tupperware chick. you absolutely do not want to be in the centre isle because of the back to back tables. i imagine this to be like general population in prison. except old craft ladies are covered in cat hair and they tend to smell a bit past their "best before date".  i don't mind spreading myself around but i don't do general population - . well maybe i might, given a lint brush and febreze. every saturday there's always some trash talking by the girls. opera whispering about what dot does to hang on to table 3. at lunch time  you buy your egg salad sandwich and you pray to god it does not contain any short curly white hair. just saying... this may all sound boring but i guarantee if you've got a diet coke  in your hand - it's a teenie bit like dinner and a show.


i occasionally get into trouble at the market. i usually come flying in just before the cowbell rings and hastily "ta da toss" my things across my table. sometimes there's dirty talk at my table and people laugh too loud and if i'm next to the candle lady she gets all pissy because she wants everything "serene". when the farmer's market director comes over to give me shit  i just want to hold her little cheeks in my hands and say "honey its ok. get it out. i need  to be reprimanded. i'm only sorry that its probably not going to work. but you go on and give to me just the same.


this week at the market  i was positioned across the aisle from an impressive display of normal. tight perm kind of normal - she was so sweet, i could have wept. it was pretty much love at first sight for me. not track lighting, vest wearing kind of love. the other kind. i spent the better part of  3 hours trying not to scare the bejesus out of her. she spent the entire show crocheting a shopping tote from plastic bags. and the look on her face - mother mary could not have looked more serene. hopefully she and i will become confidants by the end of the next summer

 when people are cranky and bitchy it in some ways makes me all the more happy. in my head i think "ok missy, we'll just see about you. i'm about to crack your misery like an egg." i always start with normal chitchat - "it's a pretty day!" that sort of thing. then if i can't bring her round. i say "where did you get that sweater!". or "my god, you smell good" if i'm still failing i move to the straight forward approach and ask "are you mad at me?". finally if she's still there and still not coming around i start to wane and just end it  by saying "you look so sad, did your man just get out of the pen" 

we're all there every week,  the farmer's market amateur players -  the tupperware lady (whom i'm a bit afraid of), the bubble shirt seller with her impressive spiel on how her bubble shirts will fit sizes 2 through 22. the knife lady with her razor sharp personality. the woman wearing the  jaunty hat selling lamb jerky. i know, lamb jerky! honestly eating that would be like poking the baby jesus with a stick. and the man who sells environmentally friendly household cleaner who says to each and every person "i like you. i'm willing to offer you a special deal".  these are but a few of the stars in our little troupe.

if you're ever in town and find yourself in want of something..... stop by -  we put on one hell of a show.  

bev


84 comments:

  1. Oh my GAWD I want to go!
    When I was younger I used to go to flea markets with my Grandpa. Every weekend we'd hit the biggest one first, Bargersville. It was very similar, only there were the antique booths that SMELLED and the used clothing booths that SMELLED...and only at a flea market are you gonna see toddlers in poo-saggin diapers, barefoot and sirtless, dried baby-snot crusted with dirt, and a bottle full of soda running around freely without an adult in sight. Ah...the memories! *grin*

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    1. i love any kind of market. i have tried to get our market to allow rummage sales (canadian word?) in the other part of the hall on market day but they believe we are above used things. ha ha
      you come up any time and bring your wares. xx

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  2. It sounds like a great time. I love quirky people.

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    1. well laura if you love quirky people, you'll love us. thanks for stopping by and commenting.

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  3. Thanks for exposing the raw, seamy underbelly of our beloved Farmers Markets. It had to be done.

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    1. dear debra. you're welcome. i knew that you would appreciate the truth. from the outside we appear to be a group of mild mannered farm folk but really we're just a bunch of frustrated kids who want to make it big in the city.
      thanks for dropping in.

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  4. "there's nothing quite like an angry white man and aspartame to make a girl feel like she can fly." Possible the funniest line I've ever read.

    Said I until I read the rest of it. Wonderful post, Bev! I love how you've captured all of these characters! So vivid! It's like the Betsy Ann Picnic in a town where I grew up. If you ever need a crocheted pot-holder, that's where you go.

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    1. baby kate thank you so much. what the hell is a betsy ann picnic? did you have one every week. i like the way it just rolls off your tongue - betsy ann picnic. i think i'm going to work that it into all my conversations today. xx

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  5. I love farmer's markets! And you're right, hysterical people there. Almost as good as the fair!

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    1. thank you recently roached. your right, the fair is great but it only happens once a year.

      thanks for visiting and commenting.

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  6. Ah, I had ready to copy the same line Kate did: "there's nothing quite like an angry white man and aspartame to make a girl feel like she can fly." Big smiles here! You did a great job bringing it to life for us. Sounds like so much fun! Does anyone make those crocheted hats from beer cans?

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    1. hello sweetie.yes, there's nothing like marshall telling me to pull my dick from the dirt and go f**k the whole universe to get me motivated. thank you and yes i could score you one of those hats for christmas if you like or perhaps tree garland made from pop can tabs and sparkly yarn. just let me know. :)

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    2. Well, sorry to say, I'm not w/ you and June. Here are the three hip hop songs I like/find tolerable: Mockingbird and Lose Yourself by said angry white dude ... and Gangster's Paradise as rendered in Office Space. I've lecture CC constantly on the evils of female objectification and grow weary of girls named "Shawty." Call me a sap, but this is more my speed:

      But I will hold on hope
      And I won't let you choke
      On the noose around your neck

      And I'll find strength in pain
      And I will change my ways
      I'll know my name as it's called again

      So tie me to a post and block my ears
      I can see widows and orphans through my tears
      I know my call despite my faults
      And despite my growing fears

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    3. i love me some mumford and sons and some damien rice and some gillian welsh. some florence and the machine. i don't like the female objectification either but sometimes i want it where i can see. you know call a spade a spade. have you ever heard the soundtrack to the virgin queen. i think it should be on itunes, if not i could send you a free copy. it's beautiful.

      see, i'm a well rounded girl. say you stlil like me

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    4. I still like you. I'll have to check that out. Bet CC has already heard of it ... she's into just about every musical form there is. Love Gillian and Florence & the Machine.

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    5. Damn, Bev, are you in here? I can't quite tell, what with the crowd. Remember, I was a commenter before you were famous.

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    6. it has gone the tiniest bit wild in here. i will only ever be famous in my own mind. and i will always love you. xx

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  7. Thanks for the follow. Returning the favor. Good day!

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    1. good day chantell - that's very clever by the way. thank you for following and commenting.

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  8. I love farmer's markets!

    Xo Jill

    jillianturner.blogspot.com

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    1. well jill turner, that makes two of us. thanks for the comment and follow.

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  9. You love Eminem! I love hip hop. Right now my ringtone is "Poison" by Bel, Biv, Davoe. (forgive spelling errors, please. I am, after all, a 47 year old white woman.) I'm guilty of liking some offensive music, and liking it loud to boot. How fucking funny!

    Your descriptions are wonderful.

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    1. see june we are destined to be together. we're brothers from another mother. do you suppose there are more of us out there? the saggy breasted gang. oh, i take that back - i have yet to see your breast. thanks for coming over to my house.

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  10. Thanks for the follow! Returning the favor and glad to read along! Such a great read! :)

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    1. thank you tinyheat. i feel really cool saying that. awesome name. thanks for the follow and comment

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  11. Thanks for following and I'm following back, I love your blog!

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    1. i tell you, people have the most beautiful names. emma delfosse sounds like a movie star name. thank you for the comment and follow.

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  12. i love your blog! =)

    im a new follower and i hope u can check out my blog & follow of u like.

    elviemousse.blogspot.sg

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  13. thank you elvie na. here's another cool name. i will certainly come over and give you a follow

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  14. O. M. G. You are my favorite story teller! I am like putty in your keyboarding digits.

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    1. dear candace. we are going to have to get married if you keep talking like that. thank you so much. i appreciate you taking the time to comment.

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  15. Last weekend I went to the local Christmas craft market. I was having a lively chat with a wood-working man about his wooden poem plaques (which were on the "risk-ay" side)when another potential customer asked him a question. He leaned over his wife to his wife and loudly whispered "Keep your eye on HER while I wait on this customer." I felt like I already had one of his wooden ornaments up my sleeve and he knew it.

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    1. well sus, did you have a wooden ornament up your sleeve or do i dare say in your underpinnings. what kind of risky poems. bust one out for us. did you buy anything? xx

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  16. Oh Bev, this had me wanting to head north where the action is. So many shining stars in your troupe and your descriptions are priceless. My favorite visual...although I hesitate to pick just one...but it has to be eating lamb jerky is a little like poking the baby jesus with a stick. LOVE this post. You are one funny lady...with or without your Eminem and diet coke.

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    1. dear annie. can you imagine, of all the animals on this planet to make into snack food - they picked the lamb.
      thank you so much for your kind words. i am so happy you came to call.
      ps i will gladly put your cookbook on my table.

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  17. Thanks for stopping by Snack Cups and Smiles.
    I'm following you via GFC.

    This article literally made me LOL!

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    1. hi angie. thanks for visiting and following. i'm glad i made you laugh

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  18. Thanks for visiting A Fab Tail Blog! About to follow you right after I publish this post :-)

    When will you have more items restocked in your etsy shop?

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    1. hi ashely. thanks for the follow and the comment. i will stock my etsy shop whenever i get really brave.

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  19. Very cool blog you have! Thank you for stopping by and following, I'm following back. :) Happy to meet you!

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    1. i'm happy to meet you too, wendy and thank you for stopping by and following.

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  20. Replies
    1. dear milex. i wish i knew what <333 meant. i'm going to go google it. i see it means multiple hearts. thank you you sweet thing

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  21. damn, pissy candle lady! I loved this post!

    happily returning the follow :D

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    1. thank you bailey. yes, candle ladies can sometimes be pissy. thanks for the follow and comment

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  22. Hi there! Thanks for visiting my blog, leaving a sweet comment and following along - I greatly appreciate it :) I am now following you and I look forward to future visits. Have a great weekend!

    Hugs,
    Stephanie

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    1. hi stephanie. thank you so much for the kind words and the follow. you have a great weekend too.

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  23. This was pure entertainment! I thoroughly enjoyed reading it, and I fear I may be sitting here way past my bedtime as I go back and read earlier posts. Lady, you can WRITE.

    Thanks for visiting my blog, following you back!

    ¤´¨)
    ¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
    (¸.·´ (¸.·`¤... Jennifer
    http://jennsrandomscraps.blogspot.ca/
    http://pinterest.com/jennp6/

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    1. dear jenn, thank you so much. how do you do that cool thing with your name. your blog is very cool and plus you're canadian. thanks for the visit and the follow.
      ps. we have lots of snow in alberta

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    2. I copied the swirls from something my daughter was working on and just worked my name into it... so I cheated :)
      We don't have any real snow yet here in Ontario, a few flurries so far but I'm sure it's coming soon enough!

      Looking forward to your next story!

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    3. thank you jenn. it looks very cool, however you did it.

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  24. Hey Im one of your newest followers. Thanks for stopping by my blog today!
    http://www.navywif33.com

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    1. thank you leisure m for stopping by to follow and commnet

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  25. Hi Bev!
    Thank you for stopping by my blog and following along!
    I am now following you as well. :)

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    1. hi maria. thank you visiting and commenting.

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  26. LOL! It sounds like a riot! You've got to love humanity in all it's varied forms.

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    1. hi kellie thanks so much for stopping by and following.

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  27. That was the best thing I've read in a long, long while. Please, please, please write a book of your market adventures. It would be a best seller, I promise.

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    1. hello jules, thank you so much for your kind words. i really appreciate them. and thanks for visiting and following.

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  28. Sounds like one of the best places in the world for stories!

    Definitely will want to pass by some day..

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    1. hi larissa come by anytime. thanks for the follow

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  29. OH. EM. GEE. Sitting at work and just laughed out loud at the "best before date" snippet! Love this. Its like reading a book that you can't help but want to be curled up all day with. Good form, Bev! And thanks for stopping by my blog. Subscribed.

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    1. thank you the tom girl. you are very pretty and i'm not just saying that because you said nice things about me. you truly are. thank you for visiting and following.

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  30. Welcome to my blog! Blog hopping back at ya! Looks like such a fun new blog to follow! Thanks for following, I'm of course folling you back! Can't wait to see what other goodies you have in store to read about! :) Kelsey from Keeping up With Kelsey

    http://kelseyhomolka-keepingupwithkelsey.blogspot.com/

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    1. dear kelsey. thanks for hopping over. i appreciate the follow and the nice comment.

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  31. Wonderful post.interesting folks...I'd be the crocheter lady..we'll get along ok..Thanks for stopping over my place and becoming a friend in my neighborhood...

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    1. hello faith. pretty name. we are going to get along just lovely. thank you for stopping by and following.

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  32. ps...is that your farmhouse in the header? Well if it is or isn't...it's a stunner...:)

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    1. ps faith - that is not quite our house. close but not quite. our house has a veranda on the front and not sunroom on the back.

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  33. Bev, thanks for stopping by my place, I have really enjoyed yours. You can count me in.

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    1. jenn, thank you for stopping by my place and commenting and following.

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  34. Bev, thanks for your wonderful visit and I also followed you back! I love your blog, I'm so glad you came by. I enjoyed it so much, such fun, thanks for sharing! Happy holidays.
    FABBY

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    1. dear fabby. that is a cool name. thank you so much for your kind words and for following and happy holidays right back at ya.

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  35. Bev, thanks for stopping by my blog and inviting me to hop over here! I've (literally) spent the better part of an hour reading your past posts. The story of Hornet is GREAT!! I also sell at a Farmer's Market and I could soooo relate to this post!! :)

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    1. thank you so much candy. i'm glad you enjoyed hornet's story. i will tell her, she will be thrilled. thanks for visiting.

      ps - aren't farmer's market just the best. glad to meet a fellow seller

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  36. You're kill'n me! I actually read part of this aloud to my husband (who is washing the dishes while I get to blog !!). Here you start out with a vintage photo and discuss your farmer's market and the next thing you know I'm rolling on the floor laughing so hard that I'm crying as you talk about the candle lady, being scolded by the market manager and the little ladies with strange makeup! The comment about her man getting out of the pen-- LOL!

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    1. dear kathy. god, you're making me blush. thank you so much, you're so sweet. thank you for visiting and following

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  37. Oh my gosh, Bev, you are a riot! I love you already.... :)

    Kristi @Let This Mind Be in You

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    1. well i love you too kristi. thank you for following and commenting

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  38. your words. I could just eat them up in one big bite-- but then I'd digest them nice and slow, they deserve that, a good slow sort of turning round on the inside. Thank you for writing. Thank you too for keeping those, creepy in the "I always wanted my mom to get one from one of her Nebraska Avon clients" Barbie torso tp hidden in her skirt holders, company. =)

    Aloha,

    Stopping in to say "hey" and to invite you to join me for An Aloha Affair . We have a beautiful December team hosting and I think you'll truly enjoy gathering, mingling and growing with them. Come over, if you please. You are always welcome. Always.

    xo,
    Nicole
    localsugarhawaii.com

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    1. dear nicole - i hope my words don't give you gas :) thank you for your lovely words. i will be right over to join you get together. thanks for thinking of me

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  39. Dear Bev, this posting was, without a doubt, one of the funniest and most interesting and intriguing and downright entertaining stories I've read in the 19 months that I've been reading blogs. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Your wit and witticisms and your general take on life are so refreshing.

    This line really spoke to me: "i especially love the cranky or peculiar ones. for me, they represent my best opportunity to hear a great story." I'm the same way. I love to hear stories and to egg the speaker on to more and more revelations that just show how marvelous humans are and can be and have been.

    Thank you for making my day. Peace.

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    1. dearest dee. thank you so much, i really appreciate your take on things. i love to hear someone tell their story. i am always delighted when things turn out different than i expect them. they do say '"truth is stranger than fiction"
      and thank you again for your kind words. xx

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  40. Aloha Bev! I love farmer's markets. Back home (in West Virginia) you'd get the same people going to the market, so it was a chance to mingle and chat early Saturday morning. I'm still trying to get used to having year-round markets here in Hawai'i. Thanks for giving an insider look at one of my favorite past times. Take care!

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