Sunday, March 3, 2013

dear margaret atwood.....



dearest margaret

may i call you "dearest margaret" or should we save that until we've become confidants. i have written with the hope that you are accepting new friends. i have always been a huge fan, but lately i have been asking my self, "self, why aren't we friends with margaret atwood? her books are everywhere in this house and i feel happy when i see her picture."  self said, "write her a letter, maybe two. i'm sure she'll love you"  i thought great idea and besides that margaret, i want to talk about all those great stories of yours. plus, i'm reading "wolf hall" right now and  i want to get out of it. i'd like to start a marathon of your books but i don't want to hurt "old what's her face's" feelings by stopping midstream and also, i vowed to mohamed in january to finish every book i start this year.  honestly, wolf hall is lovely but jesus must we hear about every time thomas cromwell pricks his finger... or is that the other way around - i forget how that old saying goes.  so i thought striking up a friendship with you would help get me through those last 300 pages of the book and then, its on to the greener pastures of your prose - some of which, i must say right now, i don't understand, especially the poetry. i'll read something you've written and think to myself, "ok self, what does that mean?" and self says "i got nothing, maybe you're reading above your grade level again."

but all that can wait because let me tell you about my morning.....

my husband often says the problem with me is i have no natural fear of strangers. i'm like one of those giant tortoises on the galapagos islands. (speaking of that, remind me to tell you about the time i found the sexy holiday photos from the galapagos. it's a great story but i'll save it because i sense our relationship is going to be long term).  i, like those tortoises, wander about bumping into humans at will, with no natural ability to detect danger

so....
 this morning - picture me, slumped on the sofa, waiting for my 14 year old daughter to get out of the shower so i can drive her to the vet clinic, where she volunteer/works once a month. it's about 7:30 AM. i am dressed in my grey flannel pajama pants, the ones with the red cardinals on them. they are quite possibly my favorite article of clothing and my stretched out gap, man's sweater, also grey. i have on no bra and i have not, as yet, performed my morning toilet. a knock comes at the back door. i open it to find a very intoxicated man. i will not  reveal his ethnicity but let's just say his people where already on the north american continent when my people arrived. i realize that information is not politically correct but i want show, like the pope, my appeal as a problem solver has no racial bounds.  i'm acquainted with this man but not in a way that would encourage early morning cold calls. he wonders if i can give him a ride to his cousin's house. i should point i live on the bald ass prairie, my nearest neighbour is nearly 1 mile away, so this fellow has put considerable effort into this transportation plan of his. i say "why not, almost stranger guy. let me grab my keys" during the ride he tips from side to side as he laments his inability to remember the events of the previous evening. his family is not home. he states this rather dramatically by saying, "my people have all disappeared."  he hopes, in his words "he didn't do something stupid." he's going to his cousin's because he's lonely and wants to continue to drink. "grand" i say, "well, here we are and have a lovely time." he thanks some invisible person in my car named beth and we part ways. 

i return home, pick up my daughter and drive her to the vet clinic. she, like her father, comments on my lack of stranger boundaries. i tell her personal danger can not compete with the chance to hear a great story. i realize this is probably not my finest piece of maternal advice margaret, so don't base your opinion on that one statement - i'm going for full disclosure here......so, in several shakes of a lamb's tail i return home and decided that what i need, is a nap. i settle in and no sooner had i shut my eyes than a knock came on the back door. i opened the door to reveal another intoxicated gentleman. i think to myself, well this is getting curiouser and curiouser.  he too, is wishing for a ride - again to this apparent party central, cousin. "well, of course" i say "i know the way now." it's a rare day indeed when not one but two drunken semi-strangers present themselves at your back door. let me try to remember when it happened before..... right - never. i grab my keys and load the fellow into my suv. this man is weighted down by bottles. beer in his pockets, a quart of rum in his hand. he has lost the lid to the rum somewhere and strangely, he apologizes for this. on the drive he tells me he drinks because he can't find love. don't think me cruel for exposing this. i believe that he could hardly expect confidentiality at 9 am in the passenger seat of my kia. he topples over a bit and spills rum on the heated leather seats. i suddenly remember i'm still in my pajamas and i have yet to look in a mirror today. i wonder if i'm danger of being ravished. i asked my self if i'm in danger. my self says, "who knows". we arrive at the cousins and he is reluctant to get out of the car. he's telling me about his ex girlfriend and his passion for her. "off we go now," i say. several people have gathered on the doorstep. i wonder if i'll be invited in. alas not. i return home and make some tea. this day, i decide is wearing me out. i am not equipped for this much unsolicited excitement. i must rest. 

so you see margaret, this is why i can't talk about your writing today. i will avail to cover that in my next correspondence. but feel free to write back and tell me how you like me so far.

yours
bev

62 comments:

  1. Bev...I can't imagine...under any circumstances...that Margaret or anyone else for that matter wouldn't want to be your friend. I can only hope that at some point I have a friend that is so kind that she would drive not one, but TWO drunken (they were there before your people were) men to their cousins. I sincerely doubt that if I showed up at some of my (so-called) friends houses, first thing in the morning drunk, that they would be open to hauling my drunk butt anywhere. They would be calling either the hubby or the cops. (I wouldn't want to test that theory as I think I wouldn't enjoy jail...if that's the way it fell).

    But still you seem very kind and I too, now will worry about your total lack of the ability to conceptualize "stranger danger". I will drop a note to Margaret Atwood and ask her to admonish you. I am sure that as your close confidant, she will want to advise about being safe.

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    1. cheryl..... i can't help it. i think i am more curious than kind but thank you for worrying about me. i would so appreciate you writing to margaret on my behalf.

      thank you for the lovely comment and don't worry about me - i know kung fu

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  2. I sincerely hope that you and Margaret Atwood become BFFs.

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    1. i only want to be besties with her after we become besties. xx

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    2. Okay then, I don't feel so jealous now.

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  3. I love your blog, thank you for finding me :)

    xoxox

    Sara

    www.mrsdixxxon.blogspot.com

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    1. hello sara, thank you for the nice comment and the follow

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  4. With confidences like that, I can't see how she could possibly refuse to become your bestie!

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    1. thank you kellie! what a lovely girl you are.

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  5. I'm sure Margaret is speed dialing you right now. If not, she's busy removing the FB notification that says she's hit her friend limit so there's a space for you. Bev, you have to be one of the funniest writers I've ever had the chance to read. I truly enjoy every post.

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    1. dear annie, oh you do make me blush. stop your foolishness!
      you know i love your writing - it makes me imagine all sorts of things

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  6. Well...I was going to start off by asking how you were feeling, if the phlem monster had left you alone, and if your house was now devoid of offspring you hadn't personally given birth too. I'm not going to ask any of those questions now. Instead, I'll only ask, what the living-hellz!?!
    I am now seriously envious of you, to live in an area where you can greet people in your jammies and become a one-woman underground railroad for the drunk and lonely!

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    1. yes that's me chauffeur to the stars. when i wear my red cardinal pajamas i believe i can fly :)

      i will tell you what's worse than having the flu - its having you and 4 children with the flu. the quilt on my bed is stiff with snot. feeling better now but still so tired.

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  7. 'Stranger danger' has become such an obsession in the twenty first century so it's lovely to hear your story. Margaret A would be mad not to want your friendship too!

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    1. thank you em! you know what they say about strangers and angels. that could be possibly the only part of the bible i know. xx

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  8. How could Margaret Atwood fail to love you as we do? (Sadly, Anna Quindlen had no interest in becoming my new pally, but she's a prostitute and I can prove it!)

    (OK, not really.)

    (Or, more accurately, I have no evidence either way.)

    I wonder if you have the equivalent of "A kind woman lives here" carved somewhere on your property in Native symbols? Get ready for a lot more company, is what I'm saying, and perhaps have a sippy cup on hand for the lidless. I'm glad he apologized, that would annoy me.

    And honeybunny, I want to give you full permission to put down Wolf Hall if you're no longer enjoying it! No one will think less of you! I finally slogged through Anna K, Portrait of a Teenage Obsessive, and guess what? There was *no freaking medal* waiting for me!! Life is too short to read unfun literature, that's what I believe.

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    1. my dear lady, you are so kind and funny. thank you so much for the sippy cup idea. my husband thinks i have a big invisible arrow flashing above my head that points strangers my way.

      i am enjoying wolf hall but it is sooooo detailed. so much in fact i know thomas cromwell's bowel habits. i will finish! i will!

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  9. Funny, I didn't picture you as a human turtle. I'm doubtful that turtles even have boobs. Personally, I think you're more like a dolphin.

    Great post, Bev.

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    1. dear june, as a turtle my boobs are on my back. i could be a blue footed boobie - they're found in the galapagos xxx

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  10. I can't speak for Margaret, but I adore you. I tried a similar friendship request with my beloved Nora Ephron who, alas, never friended me back on FB, but my love for her continues on. My, but you have a lot of drunk almost-strangers out on the prairie. You must be on the tour. Wonderfully funny piece, Bev.

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    1. oh my god jayne, thank you so much. do you think nora and margaret are friends? i too, will continue to love my margaret if she ignores me - after 98 letters.

      it is a special day in a girl's life when more than one drunk shows up. thanks so much for visiting.

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  11. I, too, adore Margaret Atwood. Here is where you may be jealous of me: when I was in the last semester of my MA in English, I was allowed to attend a small Q/A session with the queen of distopia. Her hair was as wiry as mine. I knew she was a kindred spirit. So deft at a wry joke, so smart, so OCD (woman has hundreds of shoe boxes stuffed with "clippings" of articles that later find their way into her novels). All of this is to say, I support this friendship. However, I'm not so sure I support the drunken cab service you provide. Could lead to trouble. Be safe, Bev.

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    1. oh amy, how could i be jealous of you. you are like my younger, cooler sister - but the next time you see her, please mention me.

      i will try to resist the allure of the stranger but they just represent a whole lot of things i don't know - besides i'm old

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  12. Absolutely loving your blog. Look forward to reading more. Thanks for stopping by.
    Your newest follower,
    Angie G.

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    1. hi angie g, thanks for visiting and following - and saying nice things.

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  13. Following you back Bev. We are now friends :).

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    1. yes kathryn, we are friends. thanks for following

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  14. Yikes! I consider myself pretty friendly but would likely draw the line at driving an inebriated barely-acquaintance on my own...

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    1. come on bekah, where's your sense of adventure. thanks for stopping by.

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  15. Hi Bev. Thanks for visiting The Kat Almanac and for the follow. Following you back!

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    1. hi steph k, you're welcome and thank you for visiting me and following.

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  16. LOVE IT!! Thank you for stopping by my blog and following me - what an unexpected surprise to find this writing awaiting me here. I can't wait to read more. . .

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    1. dear meghan, thank you for you lovely comment. thanks for visiting and following.

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  17. Thanks for stopping by my blog today at www.amomspointofview.com I have started following your blog and look forward to your posts. :)

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    1. kimmy k is a very sweet name. thank you so much for stopping by and following.

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  18. I've read almost all of margaret Atwood's books but your blog is as entertaining if not more, than any of the Queen of distopia's. Enjoyable. Keep your back door locked.

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    1. good lord lisa, do you want to go steady. you sweet thing. but if i keep my back door locked how will the strangers get in. thanks for the lovely, lovely comment.

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  19. I am a major Margaret Atwood fan...love this! Thanks for stopping by my blog the other day, happily following along!

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    1. hello noel marie, does your name translate to merry christmas. thank you for visiting and following.

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  20. 1. I adore Margaret Atwood and hope that you two become besties because then by Kevin Bacon's law of degrees of separation and the transitive property of algebra, she will be almost like my aunt.
    2. Do be careful with those intoxicated gentlemen, Bev!
    3. I am positively terrified of strangers. Not all strangers. But almost all strange men. I don't know why my fears are sexist like that. Let's analyze me, shall we?
    4. I hope that you are feeling better and that your house has calmed down. We've missed you. xx

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    1. dearest katie
      1) yes, she would love for you to call her auntie marg
      2) it's the sober ones that bother me
      3) why is that i have absolutely no fear of strangers? we should go to therapy together
      4) i am feeling better but i just folded a load of laundry and put away 21 facecloths - that's how calm my house is. :)
      5) thank you for missing me

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  21. Jeesh - Do you really want to be BFF with a woman who writes poetry about wanting to stab her dinner date in the eye with her fork? Hahahahahaha! Sure you do, what woman wouldn't? Love your style!! Laughed all the way through!

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    1. thank you francie m. that is such a dear name, francie, it makes me want to hug you. i appreciate your comment and your visit very much. xx

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  22. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    1. did you say something so dirty as to offend the other commenters?

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  23. Sorry. I vainly removed the above comment because it contained a typo. Shame on me.

    I am proud of you for boldly going where most people on the bald a-- prairie (or anywhere else) have probably NOT gone before. It's all in the name of research material... good, honest research fodder.

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    1. i'm glad you're proud. if you were here you would ride shotgun and we could go looking for drunks. can you come soon? i want to drive to BC to have a look around.

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  24. Dear Bev, this posting wins the prize as the funniest I've ever read since I began blogging in late May 2011. The following lines made me giggle so hard I almost wet my sweatpants: "i'll read something you've written and think to myself, "ok self, what does that mean?" and self says "i got nothing, maybe you're reading above your grade level again."

    I can't remember if I've said this to you before, but I truly think you could write a monthly column for a magazine or a weekly column for a newspaper. Your wit is a never-ending source of delight to me and you have a way of putting things in perspective and showing us just how ridiculous some parts of our modern world are.

    Have you ever thought about getting published? You have a rare talent. I'd like to see even more people come to know your writing. More and more and many more. Peace.

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    1. dearest dee, you are, i think, the sweetest person in cyberspace. thank you so much for your lovely words. i'm glad you enjoyed it and i'm thankful you continue to visit me. i will try and become brave and submit something.

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  25. Thanks for stopping by and following. I'm following you back.

    You are an amazing writing! You should definitely look into publishing, if you haven't already.

    All the best.

    Alex[andra]
    letlifebelikemusic.blogspot.ca

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    1. alex(andra) is a very cool name. i don't even posses the correct keys on my computer to duplicate it. thank you so much for your kind words and for stopping by and following.

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  26. I love this post. It's so entertaining. And the two of you should be friends. Hope you have a fantastic day.

    Heidi’s Wanderings

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    1. hello heidi, i love your little picture. thanks for visiting and you have a fantastic day.

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  27. Thank you for stopping by my blog and your sweet comment :) Haha, I'm the same way with vowing to finish a book before starting :) Happy Thursday!

    Silver from A Silver Snapshot
    http://starthinker-silverbarter.blogspot.ca/

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    1. hi silver, god people have the loveliest names. see you know how i feel. i will finish this damn book. thank you for the sweet comment.

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  28. Love your post. This is why I enjoy blog hops. You can find blog that are new and creative! Thanks for coming by and following. I'm following you back! Have a great afternoon.

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    1. silver, now raven - all the pretty name people are visiting. i love a good blog hop to. thanks for coming by and following.

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  29. i die. you are so funny. did this really happen? reminds me of tortilla flat for some reason. anyway. you are awesome. :)

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  30. Hi, thanks for the follow. Followed you back.
    Love your amazing blog!

    xoxo
    Rena
    www.revampspunkyrena.com

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  31. Awesome post! You're a great writer. I just came across your blog and I'm your newest follower :) Would you mind checking out our blog & if you like, following back via GFC and Bloglovin'? Looking forward to your next post! xx

    sixthtractate.blogspot.com

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  32. You're a very good writer. Thanks for stopping by my blog and following. I'm now following you via GFC as well.
    Have a lovely weekend
    Danielle
    http://kalamityjanekosmetics.blogspot.com

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  33. Hi Bev,
    Thanks for stopping by my blog and following me, that's a big deal for me. 200 followers is one of my goal milestones :)

    Hugs

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